Hello there!

I am a newcomer here and I hope that this site and its related forums and groups will shed some light and offer some help for my situation.

I was formally diagnosed with OCD 4 years ago when I started college, but I knew since I was a little girl that I was OCD. I hid the anxiety and the compulsions/routines from my parents for 18 years before my transition to college caused a spike in my symptoms which I could no longer fight. To this day I sense the issue of my hidden symtpoms still pokes at my parents but they learned to accept that my reasons for doing what I did were what I needed. The problem I face now is that our relationship, although much improved from my difficult high school days, still struggles to be as synonymous and functional as I would like it to be.

My first problem I would say is that my parents dont allow for any flexibility on their end when dealing with my symptoms. As I am sure you all know, OCD will alter itself over and over, glomming onto whatever it is thats important at that moment in life. My one tried and true though is cleanliness and organization, but this my parents appreciate beacuse I take good care of the things they provide me. Unfortunately, most of my other issues, especially my anxious thoughts and constant perfectionism seem to permeate our relationship and shake its foundation.

I guess I should specify just what I mean by the above statement. On many occassions, often after a long winded conversation about another symptom outbreak or screw up on my part, my Mom especially makes the request of me to change. That if I want to be happy and have a better relationship with her I need to do more work to change my OCD and control it more. Part of the issue with this is that I am too clammed up and overloaded sensory wise to open my mouth and protest, but the thought that she doenst appreciateb me for who I am at my very basic level makes me seethe with anger. She spent her life fighting her depression and making herself do things she didnt want to and see people she didnt want to to make her mother (my mom-mom) happy, so I guess I understand her position…but not enough to quell the bubbling anger that rises in my throat. I absolutely cannot stand when she looks at me and tells me I am not working hard enough or doing enough, that I should have found a support group, gone to more group meetings, did more therapy. She doesnt even realize she is asking a severely socially anxious young woman with self esteem issues deeper than the grand canyon to put herself out there and sit herself in a room full of strangers. Not to mention, if I were to go I would have to talk about picturing my parents and brother smashed in a metal torqued car with limbs, lying everywhere and I am the only survivor. Thats the kind of sh!t you buy tickets to see…whats even worse, my mom says she doesnt like excuses, she doesnt believe in them and she's tired of me making excuses to stay the way I am and suffer. Man do I wanna blow my top.

The second fissure we often touch on is that I nitpick at my younger brother, who I live with while I currently attend university. let me just say this, he is a slob. A downright mess on legs. He leaves a trail wherever he goes in the house and my parents know this. But If i call my parents to try and ask them to mediate a situation between he and I beacuse he is not pulling his weight and not listeingn to my rather small requests, I get blamed for "being too OCD and being bitchy". Now I know I have spent many years perfecting the way I speak to him and others, I often have to struggle to confront him just because I know he will fly off the handle as soon as I even broach the subject. But even today, I asked him to do three very small things just to tidy up some areas in the house, and he went off. I called my mom and, I assume upon calling him soon after, I received vehement texts from her basically stating I should find an apartment and move out of the house if I dont stop being OCD. Great way to start the day if you ask me!

At this point I am looking for any and all help whatsoever. The issues dont stop here but these are forward in my mind at the moment so I figured I would get them down and out of my brain (theres enough in there as it is). Thank you for your help and time!

5 Comments
  1. LotusJewel 7 years ago

    Welcome to the tribe:)

    That's a tough one. I guess the primary issue here is that people without OCD just do not understand the internal turmoil that happens in our minds, and so it is hard for them to understand the challenges we face. My Mum has pretty much always had depression and anxiety (along with strong OCD tendencies at the least) and I still don't think she would understand half the things that I go through- but that's just because it's my experience, not hers. Is it a 'tough love' approach your mum is taking do you think? It sounds like maybe she was pushed in a similar way by her mother and perhaps that worked to keep her moving through her own condition and she therefore thinks she is helping you? 

    Ever thought about going to see a counsellor together? Or journalling how you feel etc on a daily basis for a while and then giving it to your mum in the hope that she can get a better understanding of what it's like for you mentally/emotionally?

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  2. horselovergirl 7 years ago

    The problem with OCD is that it becomes your normal, and fighting your normal is definitely a challenge, but challenge yourself and make yourself the one in charge. Fight back with OCD it may seem hard but i am 15 and i am doing it and succeeding some days aren't the best but when i fight back it makes my better days even better. And about people understanding- my family doesn't understand one thing about OCD and i accept that because i feel you have to be the one with it to understand it and even people with OCD don't even fully understand how and why. I hope the best for you this website has helped me a lot and i am sure it will help you! you are not alone. 

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  3. ashleyheather 7 years ago

    everyones input is amazing, I never thought I would get responses as quickly as I did!

    horselovergirl: you are one strong woman let me tell you, at 15 I was on where near brave enough to face my OCD let alone the anxiety I was experiencing. Major kudos to you! I am currently with a CBT therapist who rocks and has imporved os much of my life it isnt even describably, but my struggle was never with compulsions as much as the obsessions. those have been my monster under the bed if you will beacuse no matter what I do to make them go away they are still there. my parents have really tried to understand what I am experiencing but like you said, there really is no understanding like the one we have as first-hand exposure. My dad, who has mild anxiety, is often my voice of reason and the only one who understands the OCD almost as much as I do. the relationship I have with him is golden, but when things between my mom and I grow dark he retreats to her side, but this i understand. thank you again for commenting, it made my night!

     

    Lotusjewel: girlfriend you made a fabulous suggestion! i wasnt sure if i was making the reight decision to blog or write about my OCD but as of this moment i am currently writing gratitude journals and drafting blogs to post here to help express the thoughts in my head, so thank you for assuring me! My family is jewish, so tough love is an understatement in my family but its a cultural norm so im used to it! My mom was raised to be independent very early on, with very little maternal stimulation from my grandmother…a habit my mom has unknowingly picked up (my mom isnt the warm and fuzziest but shes mine so I love her regardless). My mom was often pushed by her father and mother to do better even if she came home with A's, but they never attended events or award ceremonies and often left her to deal with her severe asthma alone while she sat in the hosptital. My mom pushed herself to gain their appreciation even when they never truly showed it (to this day they still grill her about when shes becoming a doctor even though shes an accomplished cardiac nurse with 30 years experience at an excellent hospital). I have tried multiple times to tell her this is my own experience and that I have to do things the way they work for me, but she still meddles a bit and asks questions. She puts the pressure on me beacuse she put it on herself, she never felt worthy enough so I think her tough love is a worry that I will fall into the patterns and disorders that she suffered from.

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  4. LotusJewel 7 years ago

    Pleasure:) You know, sometimes it’s also easy to forget that everyone is just doing the best that they know how at that time, based on their own experiences, what they have been taught etc etc. That’s not to say that what they are doing is going to be great or the right thing, but it could be all they have the skills/knowledge to do until they learn otherwise. 

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  5. BeBeautiful 7 years ago

    It's hard to have others understand what's going on inside our overactive brains. I think it's great that you're reaching out to others for suggestions. Be proud of yourself for working hard on your OCD! I too have those in my life that forget that not all my worries are from "being OCD." It's frustrating & makes me angry every single time. I started working w/ a therapist & my first assignment was to try again to talk w/ them in an honest, heartfelt way to make them see how much it hurts when they jump to that conclusion. OCD is not our identity. 

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