I am a newcomer here and I hope that this site and its related forums and groups will shed some light and offer some help for my situation.
I was formally diagnosed with OCD 4 years ago when I started college, but I knew since I was a little girl that I was OCD. I hid the anxiety and the compulsions/routines from my parents for 18 years before my transition to college caused a spike in my symptoms which I could no longer fight. To this day I sense the issue of my hidden symtpoms still pokes at my parents but they learned to accept that my reasons for doing what I did were what I needed. The problem I face now is that our relationship, although much improved from my difficult high school days, still struggles to be as synonymous and functional as I would like it to be.
My first problem I would say is that my parents dont allow for any flexibility on their end when dealing with my symptoms. As I am sure you all know, OCD will alter itself over and over, glomming onto whatever it is thats important at that moment in life. My one tried and true though is cleanliness and organization, but this my parents appreciate beacuse I take good care of the things they provide me. Unfortunately, most of my other issues, especially my anxious thoughts and constant perfectionism seem to permeate our relationship and shake its foundation.
I guess I should specify just what I mean by the above statement. On many occassions, often after a long winded conversation about another symptom outbreak or screw up on my part, my Mom especially makes the request of me to change. That if I want to be happy and have a better relationship with her I need to do more work to change my OCD and control it more. Part of the issue with this is that I am too clammed up and overloaded sensory wise to open my mouth and protest, but the thought that she doenst appreciateb me for who I am at my very basic level makes me seethe with anger. She spent her life fighting her depression and making herself do things she didnt want to and see people she didnt want to to make her mother (my mom-mom) happy, so I guess I understand her position…but not enough to quell the bubbling anger that rises in my throat. I absolutely cannot stand when she looks at me and tells me I am not working hard enough or doing enough, that I should have found a support group, gone to more group meetings, did more therapy. She doesnt even realize she is asking a severely socially anxious young woman with self esteem issues deeper than the grand canyon to put herself out there and sit herself in a room full of strangers. Not to mention, if I were to go I would have to talk about picturing my parents and brother smashed in a metal torqued car with limbs, lying everywhere and I am the only survivor. Thats the kind of sh!t you buy tickets to see…whats even worse, my mom says she doesnt like excuses, she doesnt believe in them and she's tired of me making excuses to stay the way I am and suffer. Man do I wanna blow my top.
The second fissure we often touch on is that I nitpick at my younger brother, who I live with while I currently attend university. let me just say this, he is a slob. A downright mess on legs. He leaves a trail wherever he goes in the house and my parents know this. But If i call my parents to try and ask them to mediate a situation between he and I beacuse he is not pulling his weight and not listeingn to my rather small requests, I get blamed for "being too OCD and being bitchy". Now I know I have spent many years perfecting the way I speak to him and others, I often have to struggle to confront him just because I know he will fly off the handle as soon as I even broach the subject. But even today, I asked him to do three very small things just to tidy up some areas in the house, and he went off. I called my mom and, I assume upon calling him soon after, I received vehement texts from her basically stating I should find an apartment and move out of the house if I dont stop being OCD. Great way to start the day if you ask me!
At this point I am looking for any and all help whatsoever. The issues dont stop here but these are forward in my mind at the moment so I figured I would get them down and out of my brain (theres enough in there as it is). Thank you for your help and time!