There you have it Mel.
I AM lost without you.
How do you like it, knowing you had me helpless for this fucking long, knowing that I am looking for ANYONE who can replace you? How do you like knowing that NO ONE will EVER make me truly happy, EVER again?
I’ve hit this wall, see. The one you held me against and told me that I was just a replacement, just someone for you to toy with while you waited for something better. And now when I really, honestly need some form of support you’re not there.
I don’t need Alex’s pity, and blithe, blind trust. I don’t need Heirdess’ sweet words, as much as they help. I don’t even know if I can trust Dan, and David.. doesn’t even know. As usual. As you know. I need YOU. Or someone like you. I need Mary, without Chris, which is never gonna happen. I need someone who can stand to have me cry and rely on them for just once, without having to listen to any of their crap.
We had something that worked, you and me. I still dunno what I did to deserve you despising me. It’s just hitting me now, a year later, how much I need you and hate you for leaving me because I thought you loved me…
I guess you never said it. I guess you had reasons. I guess I was wrong.
I was wrong.
God damn it.
I’m scared, okay? You wanted me to see all these little flaws in myself, expose me to people, and tear me down? I did it on my own without you. I’m scared out of my fucking mind because my life is changing and I don’t know if I can do it right. I’m THIS close to having a panic attack, or overdosing myself just so I can fucking sleep.
Why can’t you be here? Why can’t anyone be here?
Especially the people I’d want to be.
I know you won’t forgive me for whatever I did.
This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I was wrong. I’m so sorry.