I wish I could just accept myself. But no, no I cannot. Why? Well I wish I knew. But today yet again I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I was totally and completely myself like I always am. The phone conversations aren't the problem its after we hang up. Because then bits and peices of the conversations we had had will float into my mind and all I can think is 'wow why did I say that?' or 'Im sure that sounded stupid' or 'i could have said something so much funnier there' Or 'what if that made him think…' 'what if now…' what if what if what if. like all I do is worry about what I made him think or how I'm coming across or if I sounded totally ignorant or selfish or something. of course part me says to just relax that everything is fine and is working out. But I am for some reason unable to just relax and let everything go how it goes and know that at least I can sayI was myself. but now I worry that I sound evil or that he thinks I am hateful or that I hate my family or that I'm just not coming across as the person I really am. And then of course that tiny part of me says relax of course he knows who you really are because you are completely and totally yourself on the phone. I guess just wish I could chill out and not over think things after they happen. But I don't know if that will ever happen. I know I worry too much but I just can't get myself to relax.

I am not 100% sure why I wrote this….I guess I just needed to get it out here so it was out of my mind. so thanks for reading my rant =/