Well – today I woke up at 1:00 a.m. instead of 2:30.  It seems that instead of getting better, my sleep is getting worse.  I never know what days I am going to get up early and which I’ll sleep through the night.  If I take something to help me sleep – I won’t be able to get up when I need to.  I am so frustrated.  I just want to get a good nights sleep so that I can enjoy my kids on a Saturday. 

I hate being up by myself.  I usually ask my husband to get up with me – but is that fair.  I feel like I can get so much stuff done when I get up in the middle of the night.  No kids – just some peace and quiet to work on my scrapbook, my work stuff, organizing my pictures on line.  But then my husband and I are both miserable during the day.  That is not fair to him.  So, I suffer here by myself. 

Today is our NAMI walk and like last year it is supposed to rain.  I am really not up to doing the walk this year.  How can I help family members deal with their loved ones mental illness when I myself am suffering?  One of the things that I have prided myself on is that my friends don’t know my suffering.  I support my brothers mental illness – but I myself don’t suffer.  I don’t want them to know.  That is a part of my life that I don’t want to talk about.  I can help other people deal with the pain of having a loved one that is sick, but if they knew that I myself was suffering they would not look at me the same way.

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