I am always wishing. Wishing that I felt better, wishing that my husband could stay home with me, wishing that I felt safe and secure again. I thought at first I would write about how I feel this morning, but I feel the same as I always feel in the mornings- scared, lonely, and like everything is disappearing around me. I am wishing that the world would go back to being beautiful again, and that things would go back to normal. As it is right now, the world looks frightening, the trees all look dead and scraggly, and the sun is too bright. It acts more like a spotlight than the sun, leaving things in dark shadows, not illuminating things properly. I am full of despair because I can’t do anything about it, it’s the sun for crying out loud! I can’t believe my eyes when I go outside, the trees look so awful to my eyes, and everything looks like it’s disappearing around me. I know I’m getting repetitive, but the same things keep happening to me, so I can’t help it. I am wishing so much that the world would look normal again. So many things are wrong with the world these days, and it’s not just the stupid sun and the scraggly trees- there are orange traffic cones bloody everywhere, in places where they don’t belong, and their presence makes me feel unsafe. I feel like I’m not safe anywhere.
I’m wishing that people would get more active here on the Tribe. It’s like no one’s there. No one responds to my updates, no one responds to my friend requests, no one comments on my blog. What kind of community is this? I wanted to get back into the community at 7 Cups of Tea, but I can’t remember the email address I used to log in to it. I have emailed support about it, but I haven’t heard back. I’m wishing I had a better therapist. My current therapist totally sucks, all she says is “hm… hm…” And she says that my symptoms are beyond her scope. Some therapist. She just tells me to tell my psychiatrist about my symptoms. All he does is increase my medication. It doesn’t seem to be helping. Nothing seems to be helping. Everyone says I’m on the right track to get help, but it doesn’t feel like help is there. Because every day I go through the same symptoms, and it gets worse every day. I am full of despair, nothing seems to help me.
I’m wishing that my friend Eleanor would respond to my Facebook message. It says she’s online, but she’s not responding to me. She is the only friend of mine I wish to talk to, as she is going to soon be studying to be a mental health counselor, and she has been very helpful to me. Also, she is the only friend who was there with me at the time all of this started, so she knows what went on with me back then. When will the bad voice in my head go away? When will the world be beautiful and normal again? When will I finally be able to feel normal, good and safe? As it is right now, I do not feel safe. It feels like the dark shadows are going to swallow me! I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m going crazy with all of this. Eleanor is no longer online. She didn’t even see my message.
I’m wishing that my husband didn’t have to go into work today, how I need him here with me to tell me I’m safe and that everything is going to be ok. He is the only person in my life, he is my everything, mi vida, mi corazon. How I need him here with me right now! If only the stupid sun would go away, we need clouds, we need rain! I cast a few rain spells yesterday, because the weather forecast shows nothing but sun for the next two weeks. Yes I am a Wiccan. My husband doesn’t know that I am Wiccan, he thinks I am still a Christian. He himself is not very religious, we were just talking about that last night. He was born in a little town in Michoacan called La Piedad, or Piety. He was talking about how the Europeans named the town as such to get the Native people to become religious.
I feel so scared right now! I’m wishing I didn’t have to be so scared all the time. I’m wishing that everything would just go back to normal for once. The sun, the trees, how everything looks to my eyes, how I’m feeling. I wish, I wish, I wish in vain. That’s a line from the song, Siuil A Ruin. It’s a song in Irish Gaelic (verses in English). Everything just looks so terrible! I don’t know what to do! I’m wishing for peace and beauty in my life again. As it is right now, there is neither. I will cast a healing spell for myself today, for healing for my derealization, depression and anxiety. The moon is waxing, which is a good time for a healing spell. It is the day before the full moon, so the full moon’s energy is available to me today. The full moon’s energy is there for three days, the day before the full moon, the day of the full moon, and the day after the full moon. I wish it would work for me.
There is a bay leaf spell that is a wishing spell- you write your wishes on bay leaves and burn them, and toss the ashes to the wind. I don’t have any bay leaves handy, I don’t think. I might, I’ll have to look and see. I’m wishing that my Wiccan practice would be productive and healing for me. I still have a lot to learn. I dedicated myself to the path in 2019, to the gods Sunna and Mani, the Norse goddess of the sun and the Norse god of the moon. It’s kind of tricky because traditionally in Wicca, it’s the opposite- the goddess is of the moon and the god is of the sun. So I have left Sunna and Mani, in favor of the Norse mother goddess Frigga and her husband, the Allfather Odin. I was in need of a mother and father figure. I also have close relationships with Mother Gaia and Mother Selene, the Greek goddesses of the Earth and Moon, respectively.
So I sit here, wishing away, wishing the sun wouldn’t be so bright, wishing the trees would be beautiful again, wishing my husband were here with me, and wishing all those orange cones would disappear, so I could feel safe again. Will anyone read this blog? Will anyone comment on it? That remains to be seen. I wish it were so.