it’s been a while…..a long while since i’ve been on this site or even written a blog…..i haven’t been up to much, just trying to figure out who i was and what i wanted from life and what it wanted from me. I’ve also been looking and applying for jobs but what american hasn’t lately?… i had a plan of starting over on who i was, i was going to go to college far away from where i lived, move in with a friend and get a job and basically re-invent myself…well that didn’t happen so i’m stuck here in my parents house writing this blog. i recently stopped being friends AGAIN with this girl who i met back in the hospital….you see we were friends in the hospital…then after we both got out we continued to be friends and stay in touch…we became the best of friends. like sisters. then she started to go through a very hard time and i tried so hard to be there for her. i put everything i had, all my energy and emotion into being there for her and tried to help her…..when i realised what the effect it had on me and that i was getting worse emotionally and mentally i decided to stop being friends with her…..although i felt absolutely terrible and conflicted doing that, i knew it was for the best b/c i felt as if i was a "security blanket" for her and that if i took myself away from her and the situation then she would have no choice but to rely on herself and her family……time went by and we basically became friends again and i put all the chips back in you know?…well turns out our friendship wouldn’t last. you see she said when i asked her point blank if she trusted me, she said no. while i value her honesty and i guess i can see why she doesn’t trust me since i hurt her last time…..i don’t know how a relationship of any kind can survive or even be started without trust……maybe i was wrong to end the friendship the first time around and even though we both kind of ended our friendship the "right" way this time, i do regret being friends with her again…..there is just a bunch of unanswered questions…..oh well. i guess that’s just life huh?

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