Hi friends.. its been a while since ive been on. A lots happened. Ive tried to deal with the issues in my life and for a while, a brief moment i thought i had. I felt normal, but it never lasts.
I went to the dr. I asked for help. Antidepressants. something to take the edge of life. He refused. As i wasnt cutting myself or had attempted suiced of late, apparently i wasnt depressed "enough". He then gave me a prescription for 100 co-codamol for my "sore back".
I sat that night, thinking i would take them all. Like fate had handed me the answer to my woes. The way out. The easy way out. The light at the end of my life. I took 10…. i cried.. I fell asleep.
When i told my bf the next day, i expected sympathy.. for him to see how much i was hurting inside., i thought he’d scoop me up in his arms and id be better, but he didnt. He shouted at me, called me a stupid bitch, he ignored me for days, he got drunk, he called me every hurtful thing i could think of. He broke me.
Then he seemed to change, he stoped drinking, for weeks!!, he lost weight, seemed intent on making things better, He asked me to marry him!!!!!
but then he did the things he used to.. drinking, name calling.. never physical.. just mental!! He wont kiss me, or hold me or make love to me. its like torture. So i took a few co-codamol a night, they relaxed me, helped me sleep, im now taking 6 every night just to sleep, so i can close my eyes an not think about my shitty life.
in 7 weeks i should marry him. Should. But if im honest my heads telling me not to. He drinking again, 7 days a week. He ither talks to me like im dirt or ignores me completely. The weddings all book… paid for, the guests all invited, , but im not looking forward to it. I tried on my dress and put it back in the box. I cant even look at it.
My wedding is something i always dreamt off. ANd now he’s gonna destroy that dream.
Im at a loss what to do.
My head & heart cant agree.
How can I love a man who makes me feel like this?
who seems to get pleasure out if hurting me.
what have I done to deserve this??
im so tired of trying. of being lonely.
It makes me so angry that your boyfriend is mentally abusive. It sucks! I don”t need to tell you not to marry this man, you already know what you need to do. You will make the right choice. I know it. Stop takin those damn pills! Percicet you to be my best pal, until one day they didn”t have any affect on me. Are you taking anti-depressents right now?? I cannot believe you were not perscribed anything! That is ludacris.
Keep that wedding dress because you are going to need it when the right man sweeps you off your feet. In the meantime, no one should be getting married that is swallowing pills like you are. Get a second opinion if it”s possible. There”s always a way. It” s so hard to be pro active, especially when you feel utterly alone. Any man would be lucky to have someone as smart and complex as you. Hang in there and not your are NOT alone.