It's 4 a.m. and I'm awake from nightmares. That and I slept most of the day yesterday ~ probably about 5 hours worth of it. I'm feeling a little better even though the evening didn't work out quite as I had planned.
We had a late Easter dinner here last night with my Aunt (who was well behaved) and it was pleasant. But we had to rush eating dinner for me to get to my appointment. So we were running late for my appointment and managed to get there within a few minutes of my scheduled time only to find out that my appointment had been cancelled and my therapist had gone home! This was a 1/2 hour drive up and back home. Oh well, we had some minor grocery shopping to do anyhow so we gotthat done and came home. My Aunt was still here, so I spent some time with her and my Mom just talking about all sorts of stuff. Surprisingly being around people did make me feel a bit better which I was grateful for.
I am sore everywhere on my body. I guess it's from the fall and doing some yoga yesterday for the first time in years. I also did a lot of cleaning to prep for the dinner party. Add all that up and you've got one sore person.
I've been sitting here in the dark of my porch listening to the lonesome sound of trains passing through the night. I often forget how close we really are to the railroad tracks. Tonight the windwas out of the East and it carried the sound much further than normal. It sounded like it was in my back yard.
Now that I've had some good sleep I'm feeling quite a bit better. I'm relieved about that. I'm still down, but not as bad as I was yesterday morning. I'm also still tired but can't go to sleep for some reason. This always happens when I wake up during the middle of the night. In about 1-3 hours I will be ready to go back to sleep and then have to get up shortly to start the day with my son.
The past few nights it's been nightmares. Tonight I woke both myself and my husband up, yelling at him from my dream state over being cheated on (didn't really happen, just dreams) and waking us both up in the process. Luckily for me he knows it's just a nightmare and that I often act out what's happening (which I'm sure makes it hard to sleep next to me) and he tries to soothe me and goes back to sleep. I'm so glad he doesn't get angry and stomp off to sleep elsewhere or ask me to. I'm a lucky woman and I know it.
Today I'm supposed to go out with my Mom to run some errands she needs to get done. I don't know if I'll feel up to it but I'm going to try to go anyhow. I guess we'll see how that goes. She sees how my mood is and is trying to get me out of the house and get my mind on other things.
I'm promising that this morning after I drop my son off at school I'm going to go for a bike ride. I have to start doing it so that the weight will begin to melt off of me, otherwise I'm going to be seriously overweight for a long time. Besides, I want to be healthier anyhow. That's why I did some yoga yesterday by myself.I should go to the community center to do it with an instructor ~ I'm sure my postures aren't correct anymore.
I keep having these nightmares about my brother ~ the one that molested me. I wish they'd go away, but they keep returning almost nightly. They upset me so much and I don't know what to do about it. I was hoping to talk to my therapist last night about it but apparently it's going to have to wait another 2 weeks before I can talk to her about it. I've tried writing them down to get it out of my head but that's not helping any. Anybody else have any suggestions besides meditation, writing and self-envisioning? I would be grateful for any thoughts on it.
I'm also trying to line up some volunteer work at the ranch we visited (it's more like a petting zoo, there's even a zebra) for Easter. Animals are so therapeutic for me ~ I understand them fairly easily and they understand me so it seems. She has a LOT of bird aviaries with rescued parrots, cockatoos and conures. These are the birds I LOVE to work with. They're intelligent, have big personalities, and are often playful. They can also be aggressive but it takes learning how to handle them to work with them. Most times they just want your attention. And attention, good orbad, is still attention. It's a matter of giving them the proper reaction to their behavior…
Another train has passed by ~ horn sounding darkly through the night. I guess that's my cue to stop rambling and try to go back to sleep for awhile before I have to be up at 6:30. (sigh)
At least I'll get a good nap today. 🙂
Hugs and love to all ~ Key