This is a letter I wrote on Saturday 1-7-12 (will type it as I wrote it that day. Full of hurt, anger, disappointment….
Since the beginning of this, I knew that the probability of me getting hurt was a high one. Sure enough, here I sit feeling foolish for trying to live out a lil fantasy in my head and just accept the lil scraps of affection that were given to me. I very much needed them but realized that it would not last forever. I kept you at arm's length all the time because I didn't want to over step any bounds but found myself doing it anyway. I just could never undersyandhow we got to where we got to and why you even did this with me. I always wondered how and why you chose me to do this with. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I have a tendency to wear my hear and feelings on my sleeve and that i guess shows. PPl feel like I'm an easy target or whatever. I feel that i am a good person but for whatever reason happiness in life and love allude me. There is this song that came out in the 70's or 80's, by a famous Mexican recoding artist/composer called "Yo no naci para amar" (I wasn't born to love). As a young child in the early 80's, can you believe that at that point I already knew that this was my song? In the lyrics it reads "yo no naci para amar, nadie nacio para mi…" (I wasn;t born to love; no one was born to love me). How does that work?? I have been wise beyond my years, seen and know things that a child should ever know at that young of an age. I am a tortured soul. Have been and don't know if I will ever have peace. I want it real bad and am trying to get there. Need to be happy with myself but for whatever reason I still, at the age I am, cannot find peace of mind that my heart and sould longs and deserves. I have always relied on others to make me happy and I just need to stop doing that already. This is why I am in school and trying to work on building a career that fulfills me and makes me happy. I also am trying to be a better parent.Not easy when there is a constant struggle with the other parent… but I digress. For whatever reason you did or have done what you've done… claiming to have a "happy and almost perfect marriage"… I'm sure that may be the case but if it was then why do what you did?? You knew that I was a very fragile person and even though I claimed to be strong I wasn't. I fell into the fantasy of being loved, wanted and desired. Believe it or not I have never had anyone treat me the way you did, so obviously it was a nice thing for me to experience. It was all very alien to me and something I thought I could handle and was doing well until recently. I still think that you are a beautiful person but have a lot of issues of which you never really shared with me. When we first started talking I sensed a real sadness about you. THen when we finally saw each other I could see it in your eyes. I think that's what drew me towards you. I have a tendency to take on ppl's pain. I hate to see ppl suffer and be sad. From what it seemed like to me.. you had had a charmed life and you were this super awesome guy that I had always heard great things about. To see such a tortured soul… I was taken aback. I had only met you once or twice years ago and from what I remembered I alwyas thought you were a good looking guy. You still are even though you claim to be at your worst right now…you're still not bad, still very hadnsome, charming man. I guess I should have gotten to know you as a person and was trying to but just don't know what happened. Lonliness, rejection, being neglected just got the better of me I guess. It was an ideal situation for me really. Didn't have to deal with the mormal everyday trials and tribulations of life and just got to enjoy you without drama. But i guess that was never really the case. There was drama. Last night when I was out with you I realized that I was uncomfotable being around you. I felt like we were being stared at and judged and me feel uneasy. I guess I felt that everytime we were in public. I didn't want anyone to see us and we just looked way to suspicious or somthing. Not a good feeling when you just want to enjoy a person't company and want to kiss, hug or just hold hands and you can't. I told you I was worrying about my work (and I was) but it wasn't that at all. I didn't feel comfortable being with you. Then when you said "I know alot of ppl here just so you know…" made me feel even worse because I was already aware that I'd have to "behave" when out and you jst felt the need to "check" me about it. You have said some things to me and maybe realize or mean to say them but they w ere very hurtful. I know you were not mine and I was "borrowing" you for a minute but idk…. I just feel like a sleazy, home wrecking, whore. I never really thought about your wifebut would think about your daughter and how she would hate me for doing this to her family. That there would get to me at times. but would immediatley brush it off and thought well as long as we don't get caught it will be all good. I don't think we would have because I would never allow it. We both have alot to lose.. Maybe you would have slipped at some point but i never would. Anyways I don't even know what I'm trying to say by writing all this out. I guess I just needed to get it all off my chest. I know there's more but what's the point. This is the story of my life and I am the one that always loses and gets hurt at the end. Don't want to be that person anymore. It's just old! I have to stop giving myself so easily to the wrong ppl. That's my problem. Even though I have never done anything like this before I have no intension of doing it again.Oh well I guess I'll get over it someday… although i never do….I will continue to be F.I.N.E and move on with my life as I always do. I will continue to work on me and try to get out of this fucked up situation I am in. I know I deserve better but for now have to suck it up for my kids. Maybe some miracle will happen and I can free myself from the drama this marriage has brought upon me. I hope God or something enlightens his mind and makes him realize he needs to let me go and just learn to be on the same page with me and just help me raise these kids right. We don't have to be together to be good parents. We'll see how that all goes. All I know is that I am done with marriage and just want to be on my own to concentrate on me.Anyways, I want to thank you for being kind and loving to me. I honestly and whole heartedly appreciate all you've done for me. I can no longer talk to you though. Too painful. I hope you can understand that. I'm not trying to be an asshole… It's just the way I cope with things. I will be around though and not be away for long. I still consider you a good friend but need time to get my mind right. Take care handsome and thanks again for being there for me…
Lil Ol' Me