what i am feeling right now.. is beyond numbness…its a state in which my mind… removes me from the world. ever had that before?? like similar to how sometimes..when im in a uncomfortable situation..especially socially..or when the whole mind reader thing is in full effect..and eveyrone is just analyzing my every movement …and seeing right through my insanity( ..that feelign when… the situation is so uncomfortable that i even become blind to the people around me.. my mind just removes me….them ..everything….

well… my mind over the years has built many a defense mechs etc…. trying to tackle them and pinpoint them and decipher everything… but …. it’s just all so tiring. The deeeeeeep loneliness taht has haunted me ever since i was a lil kid… waiting and hoping that mommy would come home safely cause i knew she was drinking ………….. the fact that my consience tells me im just writing this for pity..yet.. i dont want it dont care who thinks what of this im just trying to release what is posessing me at this very moment… the fact that i have not only bene a prisoner to myself forever..but that i am a grown man.. who doesnt get to live out dreams like i should be..but rather… im left scrambling for some ounce of hope…taht something is going to change… come to the realization..its not just some crazy epihphany or some magical day where god chooses to break my curse… but its a battle in which I myself must stop waging such a war against myself… my mind..and instead..find some sort of muse… ..one needs to be not only physically sound but mentally..spiritually alive as well…yea well all those things are buried in hell. but i dont want them to be there. The fact that my ocd./depresion/constant destruction of my heart self esteem/ constant putdown/ it just feeds and feeeds and pounds on my heart …racing mind..guilt…. till i cant take it anymore. The loneliness that comes from not having much friends to even hang out wiht..the only ones i really have are the pothead troublemakign ones..so i try to stay away from them…. although i constantly fall to my own demons…just got through spending a hundred bucks these past couple of days smoking my life away…. but i have it under control now..its not as severe as it used to be..im actually paying bills n shit.. but the weed doesnt cloud up the loneliness..it just magnifies it. My mind is stuck on the tatooed memory of messing up the only time a girl was ever able to breakthrough my walls and show me what love felt like. and what did i do? i destroyed it before it even had a chance to be anything. my mind /personality has such a way of punishing me… such a advanced state of keeping me alone. pushing everything and everyone away from me. which is the exact opposite of what i want..but its what i deserve. my family and friends brokenness… i put it all on my self.. the way my mother kills my soul… she is the most insane person in the world and it kills me to say taht cause i love her..but all she ever does is break my heart constantly.. and torment the whole family..and i still everyday have to live with her… and me and my sister feel sorry for her so we try to not give up on her. shes the reason why i never give up on anyone i guess..because as mad as you get you constantly forgive someoen who is as scarred and ill as she is. ever since i was a lil kid… i could remember visioning such a different life. i had this aweseome dream of one day having a lady that would show me what love felt like.. but all these years later…..all the friends that ive lost…. or all the people that hate me whether they do or not or the extent that they do i dont even know…. but… its just the everlasting seperation…the isolation..the seclusion..the illusion that somethings gonna turn this darkness around… what good is it to even work on this ocd bullshit..if god is not a part of my life anymore? or was he ever… if this curse is the only thing that ever follows me… if im destined to be alone…… dream on dude…dream…. about a house..and a family and a real education and a career..dream about it..while you spend all your energy on trying to find a way to flood out the torment… while people think how lazy how much of a mess is that guy…. with all this said and sooo soo much more to be released..i know that no therapist no pill no kind word… no nothing will fill this void. but i will continue fighting.. because what other option do i really friggin have??