Like, I said in my title, I can't believe it has been a month since I've been here.  I have been having a really hard time lately and if some kind stranger had not sent me a little comment I might have forgetten about this tool/site to help me sort through some things. 

I don't even know where to start.  I have felt used, rejected, pissed, heartbroken, confused, and downright suicidal all in the last month.  Notice…there is not on single reference to happy, joyous, chipper, or upbeat.  I don't know if I even ever feel those things.

I just got home from an appointment with my counselor and we tried coming up with some solutions to my dilemmas.  First and foremost, since I have been feeling totally like I don't belong in my skin or want to be in my skin, I started popping pain killers.  Not a real good idea for a recovering addict.  After saturday night I was so messed up, I think I scared myself a little.  So, I hope this little phase is over. 

I also have been under a lot of stress.  I work full time & hate my job & go to school full time to be able to be rid of the job I hate.  All I need to do is hold on for another 8 months.  I have people in my life telling me that I can't possibly keep going, but I feel as if I have no choice.  They say what is more important, your health or your degree.  Well, right now it is my degree.  My degree will open up new doors for me.

So what that I feel suicidal a lot of the time, doesn't everybody? 

I have no time for fun or enjoyment of anything because my schedule doesn't allow it.  I also can't think of anything that makes me joyous anyway. 

Does anyone have any idea what my problem is  what is the solution besides giving up school or work?