So I've posted in the past that I have been having digestive issues and the doctor's have been trying to figure out what is going on for the past 8-9 months. I have seen 4 different doctors and I have cut certain foods out, added different foods, started Miralax and Fiber One regiments and nothing seems to be working. I went back to my family doctor yesterday in total frustration and in tears. He has decided that it's time that he take over again and so he did a couple in office tests and he has come to a probable diagnosis of bowel incontinence because I have a torn rectal sphincter muscle. He asked about the birth of my two children and since I had a 10 pound boy who needed forceps to get him out and then two years later had a 9 pound girl. He's pretty sure that I was torn the first time, fixed, retorn, refixed, and now 28 years later the tear has reopened. I have to go in for tests on May 19th to be sure this is what is going on. If it is, surgery is required to fix it and from what I have been researching the surgery is even worse than having a 10 pound baby. It's 3-5 days in the hospital and another 6-8 weeks of doing nothing….no lifting, no exercising, no solid foods, and re-learn how to use everything. As you may have guessed, this is throwing my OCD into over drive. The not knowing for the past 8 months, and now the possibility of what it is, and of course, the anticipation of what might (probably will) have to be done.
I started running a year ago, exercising on a regular basis, eating healthier, and then this started. It's not related, but it sure feels as if I should just go back to being unhealthy and sitting on the couch. Running is almost impossible these days because I never know when I'm going to have to go, but it's not just the running, it happens at work, sitting in restaurant, airplane, you name it, it's hard for me to do. I feel as if I'm been diagnosed for the second time with OCD, because when I was diagnosed with that all I wanted to do was hide in the house and now that's all I want to do now, hide in the house. I signed up for a half marathon on Memorial Day weekend and it's extremely important to me to do it. Training has slowed way down, but I don't want to let myself off the hook, a half marathon the year I'm 50. It's not only the training, but the race itself.
This is extremely embarrassing and I know from doing research there are other people, especially women, who are going through this or have gone through this, but having OCD is probably making it a whole lot worse in my head.
Sorry this is so long, it's just been a rough couple of days and I know it's just getting started if this is what the summer is going to bring. Thanks for letting me vent.
I think you may need to reassess your priorities. The first thing is the surgery and the repair., then the recovery, then the rehabilitation, then whatever needs to come next. 28 years later, the body is going to need more time than it did 28 years ago. Don't put the cart before the horse. Take care of yourself. No one can do this for you.
I hear what you are saying; however, part of my OCD is the obsession to finish something that I commit to and not allowing myself to back down because I fear of what other people will think. I know it shouldn't matter what other's think; however, my OCD doesn't let me think that way. I know my health comes first, I know the testing really comes first. My hope is that they finally figure out what is going on for sure, what the next step is, and what will work best for me and my family. I'm hoping that I will be able to run the race some how, some way, and then if surgery is needed, I will go from there. I don't think they would be able to schedule the surgery in the 10 days between the tests and the race. I have another race scheduled for August and if/when I have the surgery, I know I will not be doing that one. I think I can live with one out of two. I've talked to my therapists and they have talked to me about walking the route if I feel that I haven't trained enough to run it. Thank you so much for your kind words.