My mind is just rambling like a little lost soldier. Today I wasn't able nor did I want to go beg for charity again, its exhastive. I feel so horrible as a person, this situation has pushed me into questioning everything about my place here among the world.All my beliefs stripped away, I know longer know who I am. I wonder around in a state of perputial stress, grief my closets friend, poverty my way of life.

I no longer have direction or meaning in my life.I don't even no what to do, can't make decisions, cannot achieve anything with no car.

I know its wrong…..but I cannot escape presently on bended knee, cannot rejoice without help…I find myself ready to let go and move into the quiet….I'm already out of the light… I live each day wanting the impossible, needing the impossible, unable to grow, to live , to feel anything but poverty and pain, I am made to hold my head in shame.

I have begged, pleaded, prayed relentlessly, talked, made phone calls, went to try to get help when possible, I have taken much advice , and i still live without electricity in my part of the house, wear dirty clothes,have no money, no car, no friends(except here), I've tried dating, I tried being positive and accepting the moment, I've cursed, i've written blogs, I've written oraganizations, I've applied for help, medicade 3 times hoping to get it this time ,I've called homeless shelters, I've talked to the anitsucide ppl, I've tried getting out just taking a walk, when allowed, I've tried to get help from lawyers, I've tried to join different groups, I've tried writing Billy graham and others, anyway you get the point, know one is going to help me, save me from poverty….I think I should be allowed to give up, but then someone would haft to pay for my death, lol…

Given the opp. I would gladly cling onto life again, but it doesn't seem the world needs me, so I say f*ck it.

1 Comment
  1. Di 11 years ago

    Oh Jen, when you put it like that ! You sure make me smile. I'm hanging but I've been hearing for 2 yrs., it'll get beeter and really it hasn't. Today was another day out trying to get help and the organazatoin didn't want to help me but finally they did. I did believe this would pass, get better, but after all this time, I know longer believe and I'm so miserable in ways I cannot convey. I do want to dream again, healthy happy dreams, every single aspect of my world sucks, moment to moment day to day season to season. I continue struggling, gasping for air, clawing, beeging, feeling lost…..but I'm still here.

    You do lighten my load just knowing someones here, I cannot thank you enough and wish you so much love and health, happiness and all the goodness of the world.

    Hugs, Dianne

    I hate being so grumpy, lol.

    0 kudos

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