Jun 23 2014
Today was really just an awful day. I feel so sad & down. I keep trying to pick myself back up and remind myself of the positive, but it's hard. I don't know why I ever thought I could be a social worker when I have social anxiety and OCD surrounding driving. What was I thinking? My job would be a stressful one in general, but w/ my added anxieties it's just ridiculous. Really. It is. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up without bailing on my chosen field. I want to help people. That's what I want to do. Everything else seems pointless and meaningless, but I don't know if I'm cut out for it. I feel like a failure for considering giving it up. It isn't like I know what else I want to do or have anything else I'm passionate about, but I know I can't keep doing this to myself everyday. Tuning out all of these intrusive thoughts of worry. It's tiring. If I could find a job where I'm not driving as often, it would be better. That's what I was (and am still) searching for. My OCD is just so bad w/ driving.
I was so hopeful. I had a recent job interview for a job w/out any driving. Still using social work but something different, and I found out today I didn't get the job. It would have been awesome. I feel stuck where I am. I keep telling myself that maybe it was for the best, but I'm not convinced. I really wanted it & just feel crushed. Just keep on looking I guess, right? That's exhausting too. I feel like I could sleep for 10 days. The worst part is everyone thinks I should be happy. I'm successful and making good money for my age, but I feel physically ill at times from all of the stress. I don't think it's worth it.
Thankfully I have some positive supports that pick me up when I'm down. I know tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
Just keep pushing forward.