ya know the reason i am the "#1 blogger", it\'s b/c i have serious fucking issues, and if you\'ve read my blogs, you can most likely tell. and maybe you are sick of me "complaining",  or don\'t know what to say. i understand that. i know that i should be a "REAL FUCKING MAN", and deal with my shit on my own and just keep my fingers shut. i\'ll tell you this though, i would love to see some of these muth** fuc**** that have done nothing but criticize me and beat me the fuc* down, walk in my shoes for a day, take em off and put em back on. don\'t think it\'d be a good fit for em. for my situation, i am more of a man than some of these co*k suc*ers will everybody if you look at how far i have come in my life compared to where I used to be. i just cant recognize my accomplishments.

i have tried so fuc*ing go*da*n hard since i have been here in cali to do all the things i need to and accomplish my goals(the health care system and financial crisis is much worse then i ever could of imagined though.) for instance, i have started calling EVERYWHERE to get into a shrink and get my med changed and get help since day 1 back in late Jan. i made a fu**load of phonecalls and made really high connections in the field, even with their help, i am just getting into my appt. with the shirnk on aug.24th! WTF! you take a person who is bleeding inside and tell him that it might take a month or 2 to get established over here(highly trusted people of authority told me that back in Ohio, i didnt do enough research thoough), and then you drag out his pain and hurt for a month, another month, another month, etc., etc. and here you have me. will i find serenity or will i cave? for me to do this for 6 months and still be doing what i need to do, and meanwhile hurting so bad on the inside, is one fuc*ing hell of an accomlishment! I am getting sick of not living up to others expectations when i have explained myself over and over again. I\'m so fu*king close to going back to the attitude i developed that got me here, and just start layin into these muth**fu**ing co** su**ers and lettin them know how i feel. why the hell not? there are reasons. and they are worth it.

at any rate, the only reason i blog so much is b\'c I am hurting. that\'s why all of my blogs are real and come from my heart. and i guess if you think i\'m a pussy….FU*K YOU!  i am hurting the worst lately and especially tonight that i have for so long. i don\'t want to hurt anymore….i\'m doing what i can, i go to appointments. i pay my bills, i see that things get done, i work out, etc. even though it takes every last bit of energy i have to just get out of fu*king bed. i don\'t give up. i never have. i may not have lived the life of a "REA MAN", but i am still here and i have been through a sh*tload in my life. but i have never hurt so bad in my Fu**ing life. i need to get into my appt. i honestly don\'t know if i can hold out that long. it\'s takin all the strenth i have to last 6 months, and i have accomplishes so much, but idk….

on top of that i have a best friend that i reunited on FB with that i havent seen since \'98 that is offering me a place to live in ohio. I\'m stunned with this offer. but i did\'nt come here to move back without succeeding. although i am more then grateful for his offer. he is a very respectful and moral person, alot like me, lol, maybe not the emotional baggage though. a great man though.

also i have my brother who wants to come out here and visit for awhile from Ohio, and i don\'t think now is a good time. i won\'t go into details as it is much too peronal. i would LOVE to see him though! just more sh*t to think about though.

i blog b/c i don\'t really have anyone to talk to. i have a therapist who is very good, but she only want to focus on solutions and not listen to my pain. which is great by i need an outlet. i don\'t know how much it helps, but this is my outlet.

i don\'t have anyone to talk to b/c they are either dead(friends), they have thrown me under the bus, or i have left them hanging. or i am just a fu**! idk. it\'d be nice to have just a bit of serenity though.

my stomache aches with pain tonight, my whole body is weak and hurts, i hope it\'s allergies and not what my Dad has.

i really don\'t know how much more hurting i can take, and when i say i hurt, i aint fu**ing around. and like i said, if you are sick of me blogging, just look away. thats all i ll say. cept for maybe the reason i dont have anyone to talk to is i am highly fu**ing annoying..idk….or maybe i am too much to take, or selfish b/c i can\'t always talk or help when i am hurting, maybe it\'s all just me. but i will tell you this. i am the most loyal, caring, giving, compassionate person you will ever know or meet. i listen, i help, i just need to work on myself and i have done so much of that lately, but idk how much more i can take without some assisstance .tonight will be tough. like i said i don\'t know how much more hurting i can take……but yea, that\'s why I blog…oh and thanks gods i am a moral person with a conscience, that may be all i have.