So it’s Halloween and I’m dressed up st work for my company. Dressed like an horror movie heroine. It’s sunny and we are busy gearing up for our next production. But still feeling a sense of sadness. The girl that I have feelings for was there and though I am not speaking with her and act as if she doesnt exist,  I think of her every minute. She commented on my costume and my Halloween remarks and even what I said in other convos. But I ignore her because she broke my heart. She flirted with me and then said she wasn’t a lesbian. But then all after that she continued being touchy feely, gazing at me during company meetings, and texting me all the time being very needy. I am certain it is for attention. However, once we were in her car staring deeply into one another’s eyes and I massaged her shoulders for over 20 minutes. We just sat there talking for what seemed an eternity. After she rejected me, I attended a wedding where she was too. I kissed one of the groomsman. When she found out she kept asking me where and what we did with her arms crossed and tears in her eyes. Other people were around so I was embarrassed to ask why she might me crying. She sent me so many mixed signals. But for the sake of my heart I had to cut my ties. Unfriend her on social media and block her texts.

But today, in the corner of my eye I saw her touch the cheek of another coworker tenderly. A woman. I felt such pain seeing that. I fought tears remembering when she touched me like that. How it misled me and hurt me. How I longed for her to touch me like that again. Only now, the distance is so far between us, I dont think we would ever be like that again. Evenso, she only wants play, she doesn’t want to be gay. I dont necessarily either. But I do love her. I love her so much.