Happy Birthday Auntie J

Last night I got way down again. Progam was a distaster, now I have to do work; scheduling, reading, test tomorrow. 

This morning I was really really sluggish. I almost didn’t want to go, but the tests for that class rape me. I spent most of the time reading The Last Time I Wore A Dress by Daphine Scholinski. I fear that I may be internalizing her experiance as my own. I thought about tearing the flesh from my breast plate.  I ate some celery and peanutbutter; 8oz coffee, and bottle of very vanella new quick. I need to lose weight. 155lbs right now. 125-135 is my goal. My best friend said I’m fine; I want to be pretty. I tried not to cry when I was walking home from class. I didn’t want people to notice, but I know no one would have stopped me or done anything. I thought about bleeding from my gut. but detesting the thought of being cut open. Half of me wants to ask some one over. Part of me wants to be alone. Part of me wants to take a walk down the train tracks until I get too tired to move. Then I’d sleep and come back the next day. I don’t want to die. I told my friend bob that I wake up with a nose bleed, which was a lie. I woke up and blew my nose and a buch of bloody boogies came out. I said that the blood didn’t bother me… it doesn’t. I can always make more of it. isn’t that an odd thought?


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