At this moment, I feel a great restlessness. Many events have transpired in my relatively long life.  Right from havinng a depressivereaction in my late 20's, to being in the black hole with a sense of not deserving life to be any better. I did the long slow climb out of there. I learned to use good mental health, I learned to pull myself from the abyss. I coped well enough to have a tough demanding career, and to reach retirement with full benefits. Never did have to go on disability.  During this process I survived my first marriage which threatened to take away the rements of my self esteem AND KEEP ME CO DEPENDANT FOR EVER.. I walked out of the first marriage and survived. I needed affirmation of my desirabiility, so I married again. We seperated and eventually divorced, since he was endangering me financially. I still bailed him out with his financial mismanagement snice the divorce was amicable and I was realizing there was something going on that I didn't understand and he denied. As it turned out there was something going on and it eventually killed him.  He died in intestate and I paid for the funneral, arranged repossession of his car, etc.

I had a few years of peace and content. Then I met brayancats on line. I cherished him deeply and mourned him greatly. He was the beginning of the discontent.

We humans are always striving for something , which is never quite clear. Bryancats had cancer and died from it as my physician son predicted. A year later, I look back on it all.. Maybe there was a desire for companionship, maybe not.

At this juncture in life, I feel we -ME- is searching for something beyond my reach, both in scope and definition. I wonder if the brief 

 

interlude with peace and contentment will ever return. I also wonder what I am searching for and if it will ever be defined.

In the meantime, my  winter of  discontent continues, almost like a dull continuous headache,

5 Comments
  1. Andie372 7 years ago

     I think human beings long and search for something, even though we may not even know what it is.  It's what leads us to build pyramids, great civilizations, learn to fly and always look for the next best thing.  The "winter" of discontent" is only a season, and spring always comes.  

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  2. lightangel 7 years ago

    Well, finding a feeling of fulfillment in yourself ill mean you will stop searching

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  3. TessErin 7 years ago

     AGC,
    I wish you all of the best. I know second hand that as you age, life gets harder and our desires and needs change.
    I will be praying for you xx

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  4. RZA324 7 years ago

    I am sorry your feeling down, your always so supportive and non-judgmental.  I think no matter how much older we get we as human beings are always searching for womething even if we don't know what that is, I know that I do and a lot of times not even sure what that is.  Just remember that you are loved and thought of a lot, you are a good person and I have personally felt comfort in words that you have sent me.  Please take care of yourself and don't doubt the need for more as something you need as your getting older, its a good sign, a sign of not resigning yourself to what you have but a sign that your a living human being who is not stagnant but is continuining to grown or move forward in your life.  Take care of yourself!

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  5. Solo_Hans 7 years ago

    I hope the peace and contentment does indeed come back to you. 

    As to your searching… don't know. Maybe it's good to keep searching, maybe it's just an itch we can't scratch, but maybe it's a yearning to connect to that which can't be defined… yet.

    Peace

     

     

     

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