At this moment, I feel a great restlessness. Many events have transpired in my relatively long life. Right from havinng a depressivereaction in my late 20's, to being in the black hole with a sense of not deserving life to be any better. I did the long slow climb out of there. I learned to use good mental health, I learned to pull myself from the abyss. I coped well enough to have a tough demanding career, and to reach retirement with full benefits. Never did have to go on disability. During this process I survived my first marriage which threatened to take away the rements of my self esteem AND KEEP ME CO DEPENDANT FOR EVER.. I walked out of the first marriage and survived. I needed affirmation of my desirabiility, so I married again. We seperated and eventually divorced, since he was endangering me financially. I still bailed him out with his financial mismanagement snice the divorce was amicable and I was realizing there was something going on that I didn't understand and he denied. As it turned out there was something going on and it eventually killed him. He died in intestate and I paid for the funneral, arranged repossession of his car, etc.
I had a few years of peace and content. Then I met brayancats on line. I cherished him deeply and mourned him greatly. He was the beginning of the discontent.
We humans are always striving for something , which is never quite clear. Bryancats had cancer and died from it as my physician son predicted. A year later, I look back on it all.. Maybe there was a desire for companionship, maybe not.
At this juncture in life, I feel we -ME- is searching for something beyond my reach, both in scope and definition. I wonder if the brief
interlude with peace and contentment will ever return. I also wonder what I am searching for and if it will ever be defined.
In the meantime, my winter of discontent continues, almost like a dull continuous headache,