Sometimes I feel like a stranger to myself, especially when I look at my victories.  I am quick to own the bad that I’ve done, yet am slow to take credit for the good.  I guess partly because I feel like there is no good in me.  I mean, after some of the things that I’ve done in my past how could there be good in me?  I’ve come a long way, I realize that.  I have a good job, am married to the love of my life, and am a functional part of society.  I am proud of those things, I feel that I have had to claw my way from the bottom to get where I am at.  I see the man that I’ve become, and I want to believe there is good within.  I know there is a hurting, broken man inside who\’s only hope of healing is believing that there is still good left in himself and in the world.  Music still is my savior, rescuing me from myself when the nights get long and my wife is sleeping.  It holds me close telling me that everything is going to be okay, we’ve been here before.  Creating this account is the first thing that I’ve really done for myself to help myself.  Usually I just push thru the pain.  I want something better though, and those who are in my life deserve something better.  I feel that this is the driving force behind this desire to change, knowing that the world deserves better.  I struggle with the thought that I deserve better, but easily embrace the idea that I owe those around me something better.  Especially those closest to me, mainly my wife.  I want to be the husband that she deserves, and I want to bring my best.  In order to do those things I need to get my head right.  I’ve lost everything before, and I don’t want to lose everything again.  I know that I can’t keep pushing people away or holding those closest to me at a distance.  I’ve got to let her in, and this is the first step towards doing that.  I know there isn’t a quick fix for being broken, then again it wasn’t a quick break that damaged me.  Each journey…a single step.


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