Today we found out we have to dish out $500.00 to get our A/C fixed. We don’t have it, which means that we have to borrow from my uncle, which isn’t a big deal… but it’s just the fact that shit always seems to roll around when we don’t have the money to deal with it. We’re struggling, even with as many people that we have contributing money, and we don’t splurge on spending lots of money on things. And we live in South Florida, which means we NEED A/C.
I don’t know what direction I’m going in in life anymore. I don’t have the want to do anything anymore… I don’t even want to get up in the mornings, to tell you the truth. I don’t really want to look for a job because it’s all the same shit, I don’t have the money to go back to school and with the default on my last student loan I can’t apply for help, I’m engaged and will never, EVER have the money to actually have any sort of wedding and neither will my father unless we win the lottery or some shit like that… It’s just never enough, no matter what I do. We save the house with the loan remodification that is going through, lower the payments, and it’s still not helping. We move more people in to help with the bills and it’s still not helping. I can’t even contribute anything except the rent money that I pay per month because, after that and my insurance, I don’t have hardly anything left. I’m miserable. I’m feeling more and more worthless with each passing day and I don’t know what else to do but go back into the hospital for more ECT because the meds just aren’t cutting it… and you don’t know how miserable that is, to be shut off from the world for a full week until I get my first treatment. I try so hard to keep it all together for my father’s sake mainly because I know he’s entering a depression when he doesn’t have the money to even keep the house upkept and he doesn’t need me losing it, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep it all inside and I’m about to just burst.
If there is a force out there… a God, a guardian angel, SOMETHING… Cut my family a little slack, please. We’re good people and we don’t deserve this. Give me a break and show me that, for ONCE in life, there IS some point, some FAITH, to continuing in this God-forsaken life…. because, to tell you the truth, I am seeing more and more that it’s a neverending cycle of suffering…. and I am tired of going through the torture.