Wow. It’s been a while. Let’s see if I can catch up.

So, I’ve actually gone through with what I said. I’m done letting people in & telling people what’s going on in my life (hint me disappearing from here from a while.) In doing so, I’ve trapped myself in myself, if that makes any sense. Every time I cry, my brain keeps repeating in my head, "Look at you, you pathetic little wimp. I can’t believe you’d cry over something so stupid." Which, sometimes, is true. I will admit I’ll cry over small things, but that’s because they feel so huge to me. Something as stupid as a fat girl at school calling me fat will make me tear up. I know she’s just another stupid high school girl who’s insecure about herself, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’ll never find out.

I haven’t been looking for a significant other. I mean, there are guys that like me, & I like one of them back, but I’m so scared now. & besides, if I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m alone, how am I supposed to know what to do with someone else? That & I need to learn how to be independent, to stand on my own. Closing up has taught me some of that. I no longer cry in front of people, & when I do cry, I keep it to a maximum of two minutes. So I guess you could say I’m creating my hard chocolate shell over my vanilla ice cream center (I have a sweet tooth, forgive me.)

I recently won a one year modeling contract with Modeling Productions. I know what you’re thinking, it’s great, right? Wrong. My mother is going to blow this up in the family’s face, & she’s going to take 90% of the 80% of the money I get from the jobs I do & put it in the bank for me when I turn 18. I mean, looking at it from the mother’s side, I can see why she’d do that. So Ill have a nestegg when I move out, I got it. But from a teen’s point of view, that’s MY money, & I need to learn how to be responsible for it. How am I going to learn if all my money is in the bank & I can’t touch it? My little brother won, too. She’s calling us her "cash cows". It’s midly sickening.

My little cousin had open heart surgery not too long ago. She was only 2 weeks when they found half her heart swollen. She’s 4 weeks now, but she’s still at Duke. They’re not going to let her go for a while. I haven’t even gotten the chance to see her.

My goddaughter was born August 17. She’s beautiful. She’s also the 4th reason I rethink sliding that knife against my wrist. Now I’ve got to live for my brothers & her. I’m trying to get a tattoo on my waist. It’s hard to explain, but the main point is that there are going to be 4 flowers & each one of them are going to represent one of my 4 darlings.

Well, that’s about all I have for now.