I got lucky today. My professor is sick so the class I was worried about has been canceled. Phew!
I don't know why but I've been kind of negative lately. Last night I found myself thinking of how horrible my brother's life is. How he doesn't do anything or go anywhere, how he has no friends, no emotions, just nothing at all. I tried talking to my Dad about it but I got absolutely nowhere and I ended up frustrated.
Today, I started thinking about pets. I think my older brother's getting a new dog made me think of it. I remembered how my uncle hit our dog and I feel guilty. I shouldn't have let her out, I thought it was okay because my uncle had already come up around once so I thought he wouldn't be back but he did come back and he hit her. I still feel so, so guilty about it and I can still remember how my Mom cried. I can hear it in my head.
I remembered how my Dad hit his own dog and felt terrible about it. I remembered how he hit my older brother's dog on accident, too. It must have been laying behind his tire, no one ever saw her back there. He felt horrible. I hate thinking of how he cried and how my older brother cried. I wasn't even there when it happened, I can imagine it.
These events don't just upset me. They haunt me. Thinking of them can make me cry even now. I don't know what hurts worse, the idea that others were hurt when they died or that they were like little people to me and I feel sad that they are gone. To me, they weren't "just dogs", they were people in their own right. They showed fear and happiness, anger, sadness, etc.. They trusted us not to hurt them, to take care of them, and then we messed it up. They were accidents, sure, but I obsess in my head about how things could have been different. Maybe I'm just crazy to let this get to me so much.