I have to preface this blog with an important note. i started a new medication last night -imipredine. If anyone has been on this med and can tell me your experience on it, please let me know. There is always the chance that what I am feeling is from that.
I am not sure why this is happening. My (only) friend just called me and asked if I wanted to do errands with her so we could spend some time together. She is an untreated depressive/anxious person and I could tell was sounding like it was a really high strung day for her. I didn't want to go because of this, however I think it would be good to get out of the house and spend time with someone. As soon as I made the decision not to go I began to feel a tightness in my chest (no I am not having a heart attack). I am beginning to get jittery and wondering if I should force myself to go. But I really don't want to. this is my first blog but no one is in the chat room and I really need feedback on this so I am writing.
I don't feel like doing anything right now. On Sundays I usually feel rested up from the week – and I actually was starting out to be promising, and then this happened. I have healthy choices about what i can today – go work out, buy some groceries, I can always go shopping, try to find a contractor to do some work at my house. I don't want to do any of these things and I can't seem to make myself. I am beating myself up over this so you might think that would be motivation enough to get my ass in gear – but nope. I am sitting on my bed writing this. Not wanting to move.
I am wasting time, wasting my life. I don't know how to think. I am feeling so shallow. So unable to even delve into trying to figure out how to get out of this. I even criticize myself for that. When am I going to figure this out???? I am unable – or for whatever reason – refuse to do this. I want someone to pull me out. To help me do something that I feel I cannot do myself.
I am so disconnected. From myself, from people, from my feelings. Ths only feelings I have are negative; that I am helpless. I feel pathetic. Please don't tell me to just get off my duff and do something. Or that it's my choice that I am like this. At least please don't say that unless you can help me get out of this in a comforting way. I cannot deal with "just do it"l it will make me feel worse.
I am writing because I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel sad, terrible and hopeless. Please let me know that someone out there cares.