I feel anxious, nervous, and I don't even know why. I hate feeling like this, I don't want t feel like this anymore. Sometimes I get this weird feeling in my stomach. I'm not quite sure how to describe it… The best I can come up with is it's like getting butterflies in your stomach, but in a bad way, like the butterflies have a sense of dread attached to them. Everyday is hard for me, I can barely stand it. It just feels like nothing is right. My life isn't what I want it to be, but the problem isn't my actual life, it's me. My depression is everywhere. At times I feel like it has taken over me completely.  Nothing really interests me anymore, life it truly boring to me now.

There is only one thing in my life that I feel is going good and right, and thats tony. Sometimes he is the only reason I get up in the mornings, or the only reson I force myself to go to school. He's more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend. He is such a great guy, I wonder why he is still with me sometimes and how he has managed to put up with me.I;m very glad to have him though, he is one of the only people I can actually talk to.

I feel empty, and thats the worst feeling ever. It's like I'm not really here. Like my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else. SOmewhere I don'r know, somewhere I can't find. It's probably trying to escape. Escape all of the worries I have everyday and all the guilt I feel… I feel alot of guilt, even when I haven;t done anything. I feel like it relates to my father's death.

He died three year ago on the second. and not a day goes by when I don't think about him. he was the best dad ever and my best friend. but for some reason I feel a lot of guilt about his death. Of course there was nothing I could have done to stop it, it was cancer. but just a month or so before he ied I moved back in with my mom, I left him because I didn't want to be around my sister. I just feel like when I left him, he stopped fighting and kinda gave up because maybe he thought I didn't love him. In fact, the last time I talked to him was on the phone, the day before he died, and I can't even remember if I told him I loved him. I don't think I did. And that's what hurts me the most. Because I loved him so much, but I always took him for granted and never show him that I did love him. and I feel like he might have died thinking that I don't love him, and it hurts that he might have thought that before he died, it hurts that he might think that I didn't care for him. I feel pain about his death every single day. I feel like I should have stayed with him, like if I had, he would still be alive…..

1 Comment
  1. thistle 13 years ago


    hi, Guilt is one of those feelings that weigh us down after the deat h of someone close to us.Loneliness,guilt,all the what-ifs  : play over and over in our minds.I've  "been there" –and if it wasn't for an anti-anxiety pill –i would go crazy. Time ,as they say ,will eventually heal.But  for now all you can do is remember  and concentrate on the good memories.I know it's not much of a solution–but that's all there is.  all the best —ed

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