I feel anxious, nervous, and I don't even know why. I hate feeling like this, I don't want t feel like this anymore. Sometimes I get this weird feeling in my stomach. I'm not quite sure how to describe it… The best I can come up with is it's like getting butterflies in your stomach, but in a bad way, like the butterflies have a sense of dread attached to them. Everyday is hard for me, I can barely stand it. It just feels like nothing is right. My life isn't what I want it to be, but the problem isn't my actual life, it's me. My depression is everywhere. At times I feel like it has taken over me completely. Nothing really interests me anymore, life it truly boring to me now.
There is only one thing in my life that I feel is going good and right, and thats tony. Sometimes he is the only reason I get up in the mornings, or the only reson I force myself to go to school. He's more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend. He is such a great guy, I wonder why he is still with me sometimes and how he has managed to put up with me.I;m very glad to have him though, he is one of the only people I can actually talk to.
I feel empty, and thats the worst feeling ever. It's like I'm not really here. Like my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else. SOmewhere I don'r know, somewhere I can't find. It's probably trying to escape. Escape all of the worries I have everyday and all the guilt I feel… I feel alot of guilt, even when I haven;t done anything. I feel like it relates to my father's death.
He died three year ago on the second. and not a day goes by when I don't think about him. he was the best dad ever and my best friend. but for some reason I feel a lot of guilt about his death. Of course there was nothing I could have done to stop it, it was cancer. but just a month or so before he ied I moved back in with my mom, I left him because I didn't want to be around my sister. I just feel like when I left him, he stopped fighting and kinda gave up because maybe he thought I didn't love him. In fact, the last time I talked to him was on the phone, the day before he died, and I can't even remember if I told him I loved him. I don't think I did. And that's what hurts me the most. Because I loved him so much, but I always took him for granted and never show him that I did love him. and I feel like he might have died thinking that I don't love him, and it hurts that he might have thought that before he died, it hurts that he might think that I didn't care for him. I feel pain about his death every single day. I feel like I should have stayed with him, like if I had, he would still be alive…..