I don’t know where to start with my feelings anymore. It seems like everything I say has been said before, so I have just been keeping my mouth shut for the best part of the time.

I really truly hate myself, I feel pathetic and a waste of space. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything, life is unfair and I just want to give up trying to salvage something.

I haven’t been in hospital for a while. I think since February, it’s now June. In one respect I am doing good, but in another, I suck, I still cut myself and take a few handfuls of medication every now and again. I am not trying to kill myself, I guess I am just trying to do some damage. Secret damage. Which, I guess is a pretty dumb ass way to feel.

I guess the main purpose of this rant is to get something out that has been bothering me. I hoped to see my CPN today, but she is sick. I have already called the doctor, they are going to see me tomorrow, hopefully give me something for my anxiety.

Friday was a terrible day, I will remember it for the rest of my life. For the first part, I took an exam at college and due to anxiety it made my dyslexia feel a hell of a lot worse than it is. I couldn’t write properly at all, I was making allsorts of strange words up. I tried to leave, but my tutor convinced me to stay, so I sat and did nothing and when it came to taking my extra time, I left. My heart was racing.

Late that evening I guess I had a panic attack of some sorts, I couldn’t breath, my heart was racing harder, I felt sick and dizzy and wanted to rip my skin off. I had nothing to take for it. I went to a friend’s house, she lives in an 8 bedroom house near the coast and only 2 other people were currently in the flat, she had a party. I felt like shit, but couldn’t afford a taxi home, so I went to lie down in one of the bedrooms, the unused ones. After a while everything went dark and quiet, it felt nice, but I still couldn’t sleep properly. I must have drifted off at some point, because I woke up with a guy in my bed, I think he was called Samuel, but I am not sure, I hardly spoke to anyone that night. I spent most of it reading a book in the room. Good book, bad party.

I don’t even have the right words to talk about the next part. All I know was that he had his hand over my mouth and my arm twisted behind my back, he threatened to break it. I begged him to let go, but he took his hand out of my mouth and hit me. My heart started racing again, I could barely breath again. He told me to keep quiet or it would hurt some more. He started tugging at my pants and I told him to stop, I tried to tell him it was a bad idea, but he didn’t listen and pushed my arm up even more till it really hurt, I know I was crying at this point, he kind pushed me over and I was face down, he pushed my head down further and grabbed my other arm and held behind my back with my other arm. I tried to wriggle free but it really hurt, I felt like my arms would snap and I was so incredibly scared. I was struggling for air and he kept pushing my head back down as I tried to lift it and before I knew it, he was inside of me. I have never felt such an awful feeling in my life. I was pinned down, on my period and forced upon. He commented that I was on my period and laughed and kept going even harder. Hurting me more and more. I was crying so much. When he had finished he pulled out, wiped his stupid cock on my dress and told me never to tell anyone.

I don’t even know who he was?! How can I tell anyone?

I walked home, about 7 miles down the coast road at about 4am. I tried to call the crisis team, but I hung up just as they answered, I didn’t know what to say. I tried the Samaritans too, but I didn’t want to creep anyone out.

It’s Friday now, I was supposed to see my CPN today and I was going to tell her, but I don’t even know how too. Instead I wrote it down and now I don’t have a clue what to. I don’t even know what to think or feel, I am numb, beyond numb. Im fucked.