When I got to AA it was because my husand and mother suggest that I go.. Ha!..Course I didn't think I had a problem (we never do) I just went so those alcoholics would tell me I just was not one of them..
Funny how that first meeting was nothing like I thought. I'll never forget that feeling of finally, finally finding people that thought like me, they weren't the "bums" I thought they would be..(used to be pretty judgemental we all are).. I had tried husbands, churches, getting a new job, moving, kids, working like a maniac, a degree, counselors, lovers, divorce, seperation, buying the big house in the country, on and on.. Always somewhat fueled by alcohol and a few drugs.
I never wanted to think I was an alcoholic like my father !! For me growing up Alcoholism and AA were just bad words.. My father was a long time member of AA and apparently a chronic relapser so AA was the last place on earth I wanted to be..
So, they gave me a Big Book and I started reading about alcoholics…. Then OMG…I… was on every page, and just about every sentence and I began to see all the why's in my past life come together…
Remember I said that I just wanted my husband and my mother to get off my ass?…Well they did, and I have a relationship with family and friends that I have never experienced in my entire life..Not even the peace I thought I got when I drank compares to what I have found "inside" of me..
But i had to do the work it does not just rub off in sitting in meetings.. I got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, and live with these steps everyday..
My life is indescribly wonderful, now.. But I still have to maintain the spiritual progress by helping others and improving my conscious contact with God..
Today, i realize that what I sought in the bottle, pills, geographical moves,churches, degree, retail therepy,money, sex, was a longing to fill a hole inside of me…. I have heard it refered to as the "God Hole" and it makes sense looking back..
It's a simple program.. really.. compared to the bullshit and chaos my life was….Basically it's Trust God, Clean House, and Help Others… But it took others to show me how to do these seemingly simple things..I am so grateful they were there because I didn't know I was killing myself.. Our disease is progressive, it gets worse.. never better..
And though I came to scoff, I remained to pray!
Karen.. Grateful, Alcoholic!