this acutally started out as a comment on someone's blog but then it got really long so I thought I should just blog it.
It took a while for me to even realize i was lying to myself FIRST then to others… lol. You see, *I* was an honest person. *I* was not a liar…*I* detested liars…..that's what I believed, that is what I told myself. In order for me to be ABLE to lie to others, I HAD to lie to me first b/c the guilt of being a liar would overwhelm me.
I got a lot of practice doing this growing up….. I didnt want anyone to know my REAL home situation so I had to put on a happy face/facade when going to school… I was so good at hiding ME and my real feelings….ppl had NO idea i had constant thoughts of killing myself once I got home. No one knew. Everyday was like some strange mutation of being bipolar… Happy during the day and when around ppl, sad to the point of self extinction when I was alone. So when my addiction took hold, it was just a perversion of this already well honed skill that allowed me to deal w/ myself when lying in my addiction.
Now that i'm clean, it hampers and sabotages my recovery.
It IS a constant battle for me to maintain self honesty first. THAT is why it is so very important for ME to have other "eyes and ears" in recovery that know me, and a good counselor who call me on my bull shit. BECAUSE I DONT REALIZE I'M DOING IT. I NEEEEEED someone to tell me!
That is one of the scariest aspects of this disease for me. That my very own brain can turn on me like that. That i can talk myself into really, truly believing that certain behaviors are actually good ideas?!?!?! So, i need meetings. I need feedback, i need honest ppl who arent afraid of my gruff blunt exterior. I have become REALLY good at keeping ppl at an arms length with my non-verbal attitude…no eyecontact, no smiling, just a general FUCK OFF attitude. That way no one will approach me, no one will ask how I'm doing or if they do they wont challenge me when I answer "I'm fine and how are you?" That way I wont HAVE to lie to them about what's really goin on in my head and in my life right now. (That's a whole 'nother blog LOL)
Anyway, before I lie to anyone, I have to lie to myself first. Whether it be a rationalization, excuse, justification, or just an absolute perversion of reality in my head….. That occurs before the words or actions ever leave my brain. That is how the disease gets me. THat is how the disease keeps me. That is how the disease will TAKE me if I don't do something about it.