Life turns you upside down and fucks you around. Iv alot of shit i could be angry for, and am angry about  but i trying to not let it at me, i talk about it when i need too an someday it will all come out, the whole truth…. If it is the truth but i havent even said it out loud to myself yet. Weird isnt it, the shit that we can keep locked up in our minds.The mind is a powerful thing, Whats going on in ur mind can make you happy, it can make you sad, angry, depressed, excited ……every emotion u could ever know all comes from the mind and when i think off all the crap iv let into my mind over the years, the people, the drugs, the shit iv let in thats fucked up my head and my life and in the end it was all me, it was all me who let me be affected by bad relationships with men, friends who werent friends at all, selling drugs when i knew i shouldnt have been doin it, being in court and in cells and wondering how the fuck i ended up there, what had i done wrong? It had to be my friends faults or someone elses, my messed up childhood but no il admit it, now and to the world it was all me. I wanted to be part of that life, i wanted a big drug dealer boyfriend, i wanted to sell drugs and drive a nice car an have a nice house and all the things everyone else wanted…and watched me have , they seemed to come so easialy, and they did in the beginning but after that it went down hill, i became a desperate addict who just wanted to keep up the lifestyle, keep up my appearance , keep it all up and that was nearly harder than addiction itself- nearly.

Iv stepped back now away from that life but wouldnt turn my nose up at any old addict mates who needed somethig or who i saw an the street. I know people say People, Places and things…and i know its true but i wouldnt turn my back on anyone just cos' they havent YET managed to gett away from it all. Who knows , maybe they never will. Thats a sad thought….that people i love who did good things for me, people with addictions and problems and homelessness who mostley all they had in the world was the clothes on their backs, well some of them would lay down their life for me, and did. I did it for people too, thats just street life though. You do somethign for someone an most times they will have your back when you need it.

Now wit my straight life i cant believe normal people who are studying things like bio-medical science in college want to be around me…i  must have turned full circile. Sometimes i feel i have sometimes i feel like going an scoring an iv done it a few time, i havent been happy with myself about it but it was done and you cant change the past…. i have to  remember that more than anything, yeah iv done bad shit and lived a life 22 years more than i really have lived, but i cant change it, i can only try an make the future better….but never ever will i turn my back on anyone, no matter what.

1 Comment
  1. KizzyT31 14 years ago

    hey hun, thanks, an i know what ur saying, i really do, I cant save everyone, or even one person, no one can save anyone but themselves, all i was trying to say is that il never ever forget those days and the things people did for me, an the things i did for them. Il never ever forget them….

    Im doing well and i know my problems may have come from abusive childhood drama and all that shit but my desisions were my own and no one forced me to take the actions and routes i did, no one but me, I wanted to do those things, i wanted to be around those people and i wanted to be like that….and i did it, and in a way im glad. Im glad  cos i know so much more about myself, about the world, about alot of things that i know i wouldnt have a clue about had i not chosen the path i i did choose-but i did and iv been to hell and back several times, just as you and lots of other people have  but i want a real life now , not just a sad existance and every day…or most days i feel im getting closer to it.



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