I thought maybe she would be staying home tonight.  She hadn''t mentioned anything.  I knew there was a hockey game at six.  I hoped she would watch it with me.

Just before six she drove our daughter to a friend''s house to stay the night.  Then she came back and watched the first period of the game with me.  I''d been doing better, and it looked like it might be an okay night.

Once the first period was over she hopped up and ran to the shower.  That meant she was going out with that piece of dung tonight.  She doesn''t want the kids to know yet that we are splitting, so they don''t know she is dating anyone.  The Queen of Honesty actually puts on her pyjamas until the kids go to bed, just so they won''t suspect that she isn''t home while they are sleeping.  Once they hit the hay, she changes clothes and takes off.  I had originally thought it strange that she had okayed our daughter staying the night at a friend''s, since she has been gone so much.  Now I realize that having the older child gone meant she could haul ass out of here an hour earlier than usual.

Even when she''s here she tries to avoid me.  She knows I was checking her phone messages, so she now stays in physical contact with it at all times.  She is also in almost constant text chat with someone.  Probably multiple people, but one of them is definitely him.  I''m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that a large part of her avoidance of me is trying to protect my feelings.  I suppose she thinks her relationship with this asshole will hurt less if she doesn''t flaunt it.  But because I know what she''s doing when she leaves the room, I get both the pain of her sharing intimacy with someone else, and the hurt of being ignored.

I''ve managed to convince myself that tracking him down and breaking him is not a viable option.  However, I don''t know how much more of this I can take.  I''ve got so much anger and pain I choke on it.  I get filled with wild, crazy, dangerous thoughts.  It can''t go on.  Something has to end.