I am invicible.

I dont have a face or a voice. I dont have memories in peoples mind. I dont have wonderfull stories I experienced with friends to tell.

I am not heard, seen or talken too. I am a walking piece of dust getting closer to its resting place everyday. Will I be missed or remembered? Probably the first two days after the news.

I am what everybody dont want to be. I am unreachable, untouchable. Misunderstood. I am the wires who were cut because they dont want them to be connected and I dont know how to connect them back.

I am the person who cant remember her own memories sometimes, who gets lost in the dark and light. Who cant recognice herself on her pictures or in the mirror. I am like an alien to myself and the world.

I am the person who spend hours and hours behind her computer to find some kind of connection/contact with humans.

Confused about life and death. Amazed with true love even if she can''t feel or met her.

I am always trying, always fighting inside.

I am things I dont even know yet that I m trying to find. So much of me me for myself because for others I dont excist. It becomes your only friend.

Sometimes I get this anger almost like killing motivation. I get drowned in blood and gore imaginations. Sometimes I feel I hate everyone, I rescent, get caught in jealousy and put the blame on the world. I want to try to hurt it as bad as I am and was by people. But then I dont recognise myself anymore. Is it worthy to become just like them? Will I be visible and remembered then? Maybe they will think twice before doing this again if I do something real bad….

But then sometimes I get filled with love and help of beautifull people and I dont meand goodlooking, I mean good hearted people. I feel like I am glowing with them and their nice wishes and intensions. I enjoy the nature and I love this world for what it has given to me so far. I feel the luckiest woman alive bcause I still have a roof, food, clothes and even some family and a daughter cat. I cry of drama movies, romvntic songs. I take pictures of the beautifull things I see. I even smile to little kids on the street.

But then I go back and realise I am invicible indeed, that my life is so empty people are afraid to be in it. Were the good intentions of people really good intended? Did they mean it? Because here I am invicible again. Or did I did something wrong. Maybe I am the cancer. The black cheap, the rotten fruit and need to be removed.

Is like I never was here..I remember when I wrote that blog about the show I saw. I coulnt remember the name now I do.. the name of the show is private practise. Dont even know how I remember the name now..But that old man dying of cancer saying he got nobody to remember him and he feels like he was never here if he dies now, thats why he got afraid of dying. It was like me there. Maybe thats what I am afraid of. Being invicible till and after I die.Makes you ask yourself is this all worthed, Is this life really worthed to go through it suffering like this? In the end it will be like we never excisted?

I guess you could say then that this planet is kind of invicible too. We are just a dot in the universe that could be removed any time and leave no traces of excistence after that.

4 Comments
  1. willito 12 years ago

    la vida no siempre es justa pero hay que buscar el lado positivo de la vida y llenarla de alegrias y pensamientos positivos,hay que darle vida a nuestras vidas para que tengan motivos ,nunca te rindas ante la vida pero dale importancia a cada dia y no te preocupes por el dia siguiente por que por eso le dicen futuro,vive con intensidad cada dia siempre un amigo para ayudarte  willito

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    I am touched by your writing.  The existensial delemma

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  3. crudelia 12 years ago

    I can say that you are not invisible.Because you made a difference in my life today.

     

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  4. rainbowjane 12 years ago

    pain is a complex and intense sensation and i would never pressume to know the specifics of your pain. but i can say that i identify with a great many things you have mentioned in your blog. i too feel out of step with the world. i too feel that people push me away. i also contemplate my place in the universe, i too feel the smallness and the bigness of existence. i guess ultimately all we have is our existence. searching for an all encompassing meaning in life is pointless. your passion is your meaning. i have come to realize that my purpose is not grandiose or continuous. my purpose is cut into tiny lil discreet pieces of kinetic energy. sure it means litt;e in the grand scheme of things but what doesn”t? i hope you find peace my friend. im still seraching for it as well.

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