I am so confused right now, not to mention angry.
I went to see my probation officer, I told him that I was concidering going to AA. He said that he’d not reccomend it as there are people there that will just ask me to go drinking with them. I really never thought of that. So now i’m just questioning everything. If going to AA is the wrong thing, what the right thing? I thought I was on track, getting a plan into place, but now everything is just up in the air. To be honest I feel like just giving up allready. I haven’t yet, but the temptation is VERY strong. He wants me to research Drug and Alcohol counceling. What is the difference between that and AA???!!! I really wish I was smart enough to understand these things. My P.O also touched on the fact that he thinks there is more going on, much more, and the alcohol is just a cover for something deeper. How right he is. I’m still not going to talk to him about it though.
To make things worse, I have been having this constant ache in my chest all day.There was a moment last night, my heart felt so odd. Like it was being squeezed into my throat. It was quite painful, and felt very wierd. Since then, idk.. I just don’t feel right, like my heart is racing alot with going too slow. I was actually struggleing for air earlier. I think it’s anxiety. Mum got all freaked out when I told her, and wanted to take me to the hospital straigh away. I told her if it doesn’t go by tomorrow, or i’m feeling worse I will. I dont think i will though. I’m not worried about it. Just a niggle.
I’m really over this crap. I’ve gone from being positive about being sober, to feel like giving up in a matter of hours. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m scared.