6 months ago I was in love with this girl. she meant the world to me and I truly believed that I would love her forever. 5 months into our relationship and she decided she didn’t love me anymore. It leads me to the question, is love even a thing anymore? Is love real or is it more a chemical cocktail in your brain that makes you think you’re in love but once that cocktail high is over you find someone else to make that chemical cocktail come alive once again.

For a while, I never wanted to go through that pain of loving someone again. She was my first girlfriend and I loved her so much, more than she loved me. To this day, she still has the little things I bought her.

she broke up with me using the excuse “I’m not in the right mental state to be in a relationship”. I did respect that and believe that until 3 days later she posts on her Snapchat story that was single and asked for girls to “hit her up”. Furthermore, the day after that sending me a direct snap of a girl at her school who I had always had suspicions about laying on her shoulder captioned “my baby”. This is when the care I had for her turned to hatred and anger as she had lied to me straight to my face. Since then she’s been in 4 relationships ending 3 of them, the 4th being the longest lasting. even with her previous partners after me she even sent me snaps directly of her with her girlfriend at the time. Currently, I stand blocked on Snapchat and unfollowed on Instagram.

If you had asked me a month ago if I would take her back if she asked for me back I would have said yes without any hesitation at all.
But now, that 6 months have passed, I no longer jump at my phone at every notification hoping that it is her. I no longer hope that she asks for me back. The tears have stopped and showers started to sting less. I could listen to what used to be our song that I loved without crying thinking of her. I am now able to hear her name and not get upset.
Yes, I did love her and I still do. But I have more good days than bad.

6 months have past and I am currently in the talking stage with the someone who helped me forget all the pain and believe that the chemical cocktail we all know as love is still real and that it won’t always hurt. I am terrified that she will no longer love me one day and I am prepared to be hurt so bad once again. But right now I’m living off the “what if’s”

what if she doesn’t hurt me
what if she does love me
what if she doesn’t leave and keeps her promises she makes me