Before I begin, I’d like to specify a few things i definitely do not want to hear and will ignore if they are commented:

– “you’ll find someone else”
– “there are other fish in the sea”
– “you have to move on”

These pieces of advice do not work for me, and hopefully after you read through this you’ll understand why.

Oh boy, where do I begin? I (17F lesbian) developed a crush on my best friend (16F bi) when we first met over the internet when we were 12 years old. I had already had a pretty tough life before then; I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends, so this was my first official crush. It’s also the longest one – I still have the crush after 5 whole years. Problem is, it’s almost never been reciprocated. Every time I confessed, she said she didn’t feel the same way. All times except for one when she said she reciprocated but stayed loyal to the boyfriend she has now. No matter what her response was, I would only feel depressed for a few days before my feelings resurfaced. I have not moved on even after being rejected countless times. Even if I tell myself she’ll never like me back or cut contact, it never triggers me moving on. I’m nearly 100% certain that this will happen again – last night I asked her if she still felt any romantic feelings for me, and she said no. Last night my depression was off the charts. Right now I still feel awful.

It’s not like I delude myself either. I’m quite well aware that she probably will never like me back or date me. But that doesn’t stop the feelings from sticking around. I also get thoughts (out of my control) that tell me “she’ll date you” and “don’t worry she’s going to be with you”, “her bf will cheat on her” etc. with no context or reasoning, almost like a gut feeling. Except a gut feeling that doesn’t make any sense, keeps being proven wrong, and seems very unlikely. Perhaps it’s these thoughts that seemingly tell me about the future that keep me from moving on. Like I stated before, I have no control over them, and they trigger my delusions which makes everything worse.

I feel as though I only have two options since I’m incapable of moving on (seriously, i would have by now if i could, remember, this has been going on for 5 years): either stop talking to her completely or keep being her best friend hoping we’ll get closer and she’ll reciprocate again (if that’s even possible). It feels like only one though since cutting her off would only make me feel worse and wouldn’t change anything – we’ve been cut off before, longest break was for over a year, and well… the feelings are still there, aren’t they?

Let me explain why I wouldn’t be able to find anyone else. One, where would I meet them? Everyone I meet online is either too young, heterosexual, or in a relationship already. I can’t count on meeting anyone in real life because 1) covid and 2) im mentally disabled and chronically mentally ill, so making connections in real life is basically impossible for me due to not understanding social cues and sarcasm and all of my other symptoms that make trusting and connecting with others impossible. Not to mention trauma – I have a lot of social trauma from my childhood, so I can’t make any friends in school or in person at all. That’s why I went to the internet for friends in the first place. Two, how am i going to find a person who is my age, lesbian, AND interested in me? Apart from the like brief day my best friend reciprocated my feelings, the only person who has EVER liked me romantically was an 11 year old girl when I was 15. Long story, don’t wanna talk about it.

I have considered discord dating servers, but I have a few concerns. One, are they all 18+? Two, I’m just terrified of meeting others since i fear I won’t be satisfied if it isn’t my best friend. I don’t want it to be anyone else.

So, in summary, I have long lasting feelings for my best friend. She keeps rejecting me, but my feelings always stay. There are a few external factors preventing me from moving on or finding others to date. Not to mention I really just cannot see myself dating anybody else and don’t want to. I am at a loss for what to do. As you can probably tell, I’m a pretty unique girl, so if you’re going to give any advice please try not to give me any generic advice like the examples i put at the beginning.

If anyone has questions and wants to understand my situation better, don’t be afraid to ask! I don’t mind :))

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