When you look back on your life and realize maybe you weren't what you thought you were..
I wish I could stop drinking, I think that would help a lot. They say it's a depressant, and I totally get it. I do. The next day I always feel so low, but while I'm buzzed/drunk (right now, bear with me) I am so happy. I'm talkative, I want to be out with people and making friends. I feel normal, silly but "normal."
I was just looking back and thinking now that I always thought I was a nice and good person, but there were times in my early teens that I was mean. I was the mean girl. I was skinny and pretty and I didn't think I was being mean but now I know I was. I had cripplingly low self esteem (as I still do now) yet I think I was so happy with attention that sometimes it would hurt people, and I didn't even realize it because I was getting the attention I so desperately craved. Sometimes when I'm drinking, I have epiphanies. And now that I'm as nice as I thought I USED to be, I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty, I don't have people flocking around me to woo/befriend me.
What do you do when you can see that you're making the wrong decisons for your life, but you have no way of stopping yourself.
I had an interview to become manager of my salon today. I was so wrong, you guys. I know I brought this up in my last real blog post, and I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong. But my general manager said she's going to train us (myself and the other assistant) and after three months, she's going to choose who is going to be the manger, but that she sees us both in a manager position within a year. Then again, I'm already assistant manager, so technically I'm in a managerial position already but I know she meant beyond that. It kind of gave me renewed hope, and a will to want to work even harder than I have been.
And then I got off work. And then I started drinking. And they asked me to come back and help because it got busy, and I couldn't because I've been drinking. Way to make myself look really bad. I should have been there to help them.
Oh and, I found out that I've had insurance for the last three months, but they never sent me the packet and ID card, so I've been paying for it and not even able to use it. I need to see a therapist, this is the first time in my life that I haven't been going to therapy, and this past year has been one of the worst for my depression/anxiety. It makes me so mad to know I've been paying for nothing, but it makes me happy to know it's going to be fixed soon.
Anyway. To all of you who read these, thank you so much for listening. This community has already done so much for me, being able to vent… being able to talk and be listened to and have others to talk to and help has really done wonders for me. Now if only I can stay away from the bottle. I know that going back on anti-depressants will help as I'm not able to mix… now we wait for that time to come.
Yes, and yes.
I do have a drinking problem, and the cause of it is being uninsured for the past year and a half. I used to go to therapy weekly, and was medicated on top of it and I was able to cope. But since being uninsured I don't have any help, and that's the only thing that feels like it helps. I know it doesn't, and I know I'm making terrible choices for the long run, I just want those moments of openness. I want those moments where I feel talkative and actually want to be around people and make friends.