I lie down, upon our bed—my cold body being warmed by your presence. So close I can feel the heat from your whispers, your words, they rest upon my bare skin then drift away and vanish in the night. How can you be so far away and yet be lying next to me? Not having a clue that I am crying behind your back? I’m longing for you. Not your kiss; not your touch—just you. The man I feel in love with.
Now I’m alone in the dark, quiet in the air around me. You’re upstairs, wondering why I left, or maybe not even noticing I’m gone. I’m down here with just the light from the computer screen to comfort me and a blanket over my cold self. In my hand I hold the ring. I read our names, run my fingers across the engravings. How can you not know me and yet know my every secret? Not have a clue that I am hurting so bad? I’m longing for someone. Not their guidance; not their acceptance—just someone. Someone I thought was you; the man I am in love with.
Maybe I’m just foolish. Thinking you love me enough to take care of someone as sick as I am. I can’t control my thoughts, I am afraid of my feelings. My own body is making me live through hell everyday. And I wish it were all over. I wish I were dead. It’s exhausting crying silently and yelling without worlds; and still have a smile on my face every time you come home.
And I know it’s not something you want to hear—it’s not something I can share with you. It’s a whole other world that I live in; where you can’t find your way into understanding. I’m lost in it now, and can’t find my way out. All the rooms keep on changing as my emotions and thoughts keep shifting in my mind. My side silently screams out in agony, and I’m taken over by the pain and confusion.
I know I have your kiss, your touch, guidance and acceptance. I know I have your love. But is that enough?
Can we be in love and live in two different worlds? I would never dare to bring you the cold misery of coming into mine; and I forever long to be welcomed back into the promising warmth of yours. But until then I will just have to cry behind your back—longing for you when you are lying next to me. And vanish downstairs into the darkness—longing for someone when you are mine.
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