I feel like I'm losing it. I've never felt so close to just not being able to handle anything. I feel like I desperately need to talk to someone but when I try or even think about trying I feel stuck. I'm already guessing the reaction and responses I will get and the disatisfaction I will feel, sending me deeper into my hell. I feel like I'm coming unraveled as I type this. I'm finding myself searching endlessly for someone who I cannot go to anymore. For all the wrong reasons, someone I should leave alone. I feel like I've messed up my life and backed myself into a corner. I know people say it gets better and there's hope and you have to try but I don't want to. I can't stand how I am feeling and it goes away when I smoke but then it comes back with avengance and I can't be high all the time, not that it would help but I can't do this I am freaking out. I need help and I don't know where to go anymore. Maybe there isn't anything anyone can say anymore to make me feel better. Maybe I am just at the end and I need to shit or get off the pot. My life is sad, I hate looking in the mirrior, I feel sorry for myself far too often. I'm longing for everything I'll never have becasue I'll never think I'm good enough for any of it. I'm not who I want to be or anywhere near it. I'd be better off dead then living a life of constant disappointment and failure. I can't take living with myself, inside my head in my body. I want it all to stop. I need the nothingness. I don't want to feel or see or know. It's too hard. I want a game over.

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