So this is going to be kind of long…

I got a letter today from Alyssia, a girl I know that I used to be friends with. It said that she was sorry for all the drama she caused between me & Ian, my first real love. Let me explain.

Me & Ian went on & off for 4 years straight. I would drop all my boyfriends to be with him & he would drop every girl to be with me. We were head over heels in love. Hell, I still love that boy to death, though now I’m so much better at covering it up. Anyways, it was our latest time dating & we had almost gone for a month. I felt this feeling…something was wrong with our relationship. He stopped paying much attention to me & began distancing himself from me. So when I found out one day that he was walking Alyssia home to her empty house, I got a bit suspicious. I asked Alyssia if her & Ian were doing anything together. I told her that I doubted anything was going on because I didn’t think of her as that kind of person, but I just needed the clarification. I just need her to say no. I didn’t ask Ian because I know him. He would have blown it out of proportion. She texted me back with the answer no, which made me so much calmer. About 5 minutes later, I get a call from Ian. He’s freaking out, telling me that he couldn’t believe I didn’t trust him. I told him it wasn’t that, that I just felt like we were growing apart & just needed to make sure I wasn’t going to lose him. Then he hung up. The next day (the day BEFORE our month anniversary) we meet up before school starts. He’s angry with me & wants to talk it out, but we were just sitting there, silent. When the bell rang, I told him I was going to go to class. He said okay. After 2nd period, he broke up with me. I asked him why & he told me that me going to class was the "chopping block" for me. My heart was torn. I cried the rest of that Friday.

Monday of the next week, Alyssia comes up to me and asks if she can talk to me. I’m a good friend, so I say sure and we leave lunch & head to the auditorium. She tells me she cheated on her boyfriend & she feels really bad. I told her that she should tell him to go ahead & get it out. Then she tells me that she had fun with the other guy. Out of curiousity, I asked who it was. Low & behold, it was Ian. Alyssia, a friend I had confided in for so long, slept with my love not even a week after we broke up. I didn’t confront Ian about it because he wasn’t mine when it happened, so I really had no right. But he continued to kiss on me & love on me like we were still together, so I ended up confronting him. He told me they were rumors, even though ALYSSIA herself told me. He told me I needed to stop playing mind games & grow up, then I went to class.

So she apologized for that. I haven’t responded to her apology. I don’t know how. I mean, what she did was absolutely unforgiveable. I can’t forget something like that. Everytime I see Alyssia I think, "Some how, some way, she was better than me in Ian’s eyes." Then I get all emotional all over again. Me & Ian haven’t really spoken since February. I think about him just about every day. I love him, but I don’t want to. He hurts me so much, but if I could trade in all that hurt for just one night of him holding me, making love with me, even just talking to me…oh, man. It’d all be well over worth it.

My mom just yelled at me. She says that I need to let my dog eat & drink or she’s going to start starving & dehydrating me. My dog ate earlier & had a bowl of water out there all day. She just doesn’t know becuase she was at work. She makes assumptions without questioning me first. If I argue with her, I get in trouble. So I agree with her. I agree with her a lot. It’s the quickest way to get her to stop yelling at me. I don’t like hearing her voice…it’s like a broken record. She says the same things all the time, & she’s always wrong. I wish she would actually think about what she said before she said it. Maybe she’d be right more often. Maybe I wouldn’t want to kill myself so badly. Maybe. Who knows.