So the past couple of days have kinda been crappy. Day before yesterday my car's check engine light came on. I took it into the Autozone to have them plug into the computer to figure out what it is, and I found that out. It doesn't look like its going to be that big of a deal but it is just frustrating. The main thing that frustrates me is that I don't know how we are going to afford the part to fix it and everything else. I'm also so frustrated with my husband, he thinks that its just going to fix itself. He is just like don't worry about it and it will go away, but it won't.

I am so tired of this whole money situation. We have to skrimp and save to do anything, and right now I cannot even afford to buy my daughter a coat for the cold. Thankfully my sister in law bought her one of those fluffy vests so we can just kinda layer her up and go from there. It really really bothers me that I cannot afford to buy clothes for my kid. I have no idea how I am going to swing Christmas. We are having to move to a new apartment in December and with everything that goes along with that I think I am just going to go crazy.

We both work full time, and I also go to school full time. He doesn't understand that I need help. He doesn't understand why we cannot spend all the money in the account and wait for our next check. We need gas to get back and forth to work and groceries and diapers. We have had the same fight and tried to talk things out, but nothing ever changes. He tries hard for a couple weeks and then just forgets why he is doing it. I am so tired of having to be the one that pays the bills, cooks, cleans, buys groceries, takes care of our child, and have to be the one that fixes stuff when it breaks. For once I don't want to wear the pants in the family, I want to be taken care of and have him worry about it. I don't think he understand how many nights I go to bed with a empty stomach so that he and Rhowen have enough.

This is going to sound awful, but I don't even see him as a man anymore. He is just my second child. In my mind a man would do anything he could to provide a good life for his family, even if it meant taking a job he didn't like until his wife finished school. I am not asking him to do it forever, just until I get finished with school and find a better job. I have gotten to a point where I don't want him to touch me. I know that I am going to have to be the one that makes the money and takes care of stuff, but one I dont have to like it and two I don't think it is to much to ask for help around the house if I have do everything else. I really don't know if I want to put in the effort to make my marriage work. I care deeply for my husband, but I don't think I am in love with him anymore. I don't expect this perfect life where it looks like and episode of Leave it to Beaver, but I want an equal partnership and equal load. For once in my life I want someone who will come up and say "I can't take all the load, but we can work on carrying it together" I am at a place where I don't want/ can't leave, but I'm not exactly sure if I want to stay. I want to run away and never look back, but I can't leave my child. I don't want to live like this.

My best friend was in a position like ours when she and her husband got together, and she said that once you make it to the three year mark it gets easier. We are there and it just seems like it is harder. There are no good times, just struggles and scraping by to survive. I know that my side of the family is not making the stress levels any easier. Within this past year, my sister came forward say a close family friend was molesting her, which was the most awful thing that I could ever imagine. I place a lot of blame for this on myself, because I introduced him to the family and I didn't protect her. She was my baby girl, I practically raised her, and I let this monster in our home. Along with having to deal with that my grandmother has been ill for several months, adding the stress of taking her to the doctor and everything. I feel like the Titian Atlas, having to hold the world up on my shoulders forever.

Well thanks for letting me vent.


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