1. My mother has cancer. She is 84 and has always been independent. When my sister died, my mother detached from me. I remember when Mom told me my sister had died, from leukemia at 6 y/o, my first thought was:"Maybe now you'll have time for me!" I was 8. It didn't work out that way, she got busy to battle her depression and I was forgotten … again.
  • My mother tells the story of the end of my first year, when we went to Germany. She got pregnant right away with my sister and was sick all the time. My dad was drinking with his unit, on orders, after work. She suffered, cried and the military doctor offered to return her, with us, to America. She declined, to wait for my dad's transfer back to the states. I remember learning to stay out of the way, to be so quiet, so she wouldn't notice me and cry. Regretfully, that created a low impact woman, who stills want to be accepted.
  • Mom has been having trouble with her breathing, so I called her physician, who ordered her to emergency for a chest x-ray to rule out blood clots. She was so angry to have to go to hospital, until she found out her oxygen level was so low. Then she wanted them to send oxygen home with her, and their testing showed they could not release her from hospital, her oxygen was too low. She had to stay overnight. Angry about that she was. Her roommate had issues with her veins, so her IV machine went off every 20 minutes, in alarm, for 10-20 min until nursing showed up. Then after 15 minutes, it would go off again. Mom didn't like that either.
  • She chewed me for speaking up to the doctors, but couldn't remember all they told her. We brought oxygen home, she is wheezing and breathing hard, but got nasty with me about setting up machine for her to use this evening. She says she is breathing fine. Oh well.
  1. I left my husband and home to take care of her during her treatment. I have few friends and I have been shown that my "friends" don't care to hear about my life unless it is candy and roses. Of course, they expect me to listen to their problems any time. So I have no one to talk with about how hurt and frustrated I am. my husband suffers from lots of stuff and he told me he was high anxiety today, so I couldn't talk to him either. It is hard for him to be alone, he is disabled, but supports me in being here to care for her. I fear he'll have a problem and no one will know. Our home is quite remote without close neighbors. We have no friends in our community, he likes to keep me to himself.
  2. Taking care of my children after they became adults cost me my home of 20 yrs. I could not earn enough money to support it all. Then I went with my man, because the option was my death.
  • He has shown himself to be OCD, and he doesn't think I should work outside the home (my job is to take care of him), nor does he support group activities, like Al-Anon or women's clubs (by scheduling over, or tearing vehicle down, feeling ill). Since I have no job, I have no income. He says to get my license, then he says we can't pay that much. The last of my money went to pay my taxes for 2014.He doesn't want to pay for me to have a vehicle, he says he'll take me anywhere I want to go. He has to "be there" when I talk to friends, finds some way to distract me from my conversations (and there are not many, any more). He spends hours lost in the internet, and gets upset when I'm not sitting there beside him. He's not communicating with me, I am lost in a sea of silence, but I am supposed to stay. We really don't talk a lot when I'm home, just necessaries mostly.
  1. I am sick of being low impact. I am sick of being nothing because I have nothing. I am tired of being alone and being shut out by people. I am tired of being treated like I have no value.
  • I don't have it in me to start over again. With today's economy, I can't afford to live. Minimum wage won't get you a roof with utilities and food. Notice there is no vehicle or medical care in that budget.
  • Then we get to doctors that provide medical care for insurance companies instead of health care for patients. They don't want you to smoke cigarettes, but they'll load you up on valium, xanax, effexor, wellbutrin, prozac, statins, cholesterol medicines, etc. I can not understand the skewed concept. They don't care how sick it makes me, they don't give weight to side effects, just write out those prescriptions.

It is not a good day. The alternatives are filtering in. Gotta get rid of this pain somehow.

Tomorrow is a new day and will be different.

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