People might call it being too sensitive, others might see it as queer, some would even see it as not really a big deal. It's this nagging feeling that I get when I meet new people or when I interact with co-workers.
Being naturally introverted and not conforming to individual standards is in reality, a lonely road to walk on. Nevertheless, it's also known as individuality. Society of course has a different way of perceiving it. I would receive impressions of being a snob and if I do interact, speaking in a direct manner, there would be impressions that I'm too straightforward and arrogant or simply someone whom nobody could relate to.
If I choose my words carefully, it would take time for me to respond, break the momentum of the conversation, look and sound awkward – then the words that would come out would either be misunderstood or will be met with silence.
In other words, I always think of whatever other people would say of me and though I know consciously that I shouldn't conform, there will always be a nagging thirst for acceptance.
Socializing has never been this difficult for me, but throughout my past jobs, especially the one that I had as a private tutor for a Korean family and be only confined to them, has somehow affected my social skills and along with it, my confidence.
Despite this, I have managed to survive regardless of what other people think or expect and being silent has worked a lot, but ironically also has been quite a headache at times.
Life of course is undoubtedly unfair and I consider it both a fact and a cliche'. Nevertheless, I have accepted it to be that way. It seems that desensitization has helped, but only to a limited degree. Because humans are first and foremost, emotional beings and which I wished that we weren't like so.
Then it wouldn't be even necessary for any form of a compensatory mechanism for whatever insecurities or feelings of inadequacy and the feeling of being cut-off from the world to avoid individual expectations as well as rejections and unnecessary malicious criticisms.
Barbara Bush once said: "If human beings are perceived as potentials rather than problems, as possessing strengths instead of weaknesses, as unlimited rather that dull and unresponsive, then they thrive and grow to their capabilities."
This is of course is the ideal, but we all know that what is real is very far from it. We could only try to make a difference by changing ourselves and the way we treat other people in the hopes that someday, other people would do the same good thing that which has been done to them.
Only if people were sensitive enough, then we could have a deeper understanding of what it is to be "humane" and start living as true "human beings"