just don't understand…I keep telling myself that if I keep trying–that if I do everything and anything possible to keep busy…than that should be a good way of fighting depression/anxiety…..and this is what others have told me–my therapist, etc….So I AM TRYING my damndest to keep busy….I'm NOT LAYING IN BED ALL FREAKING DAY like I used to when the deression/anxiety was really keeping me down….I do WHATEVER I CAN to keep busy…I go for walks, I read, I go the library, I have finally started to look for jobs again, I go to movies, I hang out with friends,I might start doing some volunteer work soon at the library…I'm going to start my DBT skills class again next week, I have an appointment with voc rehab next week which may or may not lead to me getting financial support to go back to school…, I even auditioned for a play last night for the first time in a long time–I'll know if I got the part later on today….and on top of all that, I have lost weight recently and everyone keeps telling me how great i look, and I KNOW I am pleased about losing the weight and I sure do apperciate the compliments about having done so...so WHY IS THIS NOT ENOUGH TO FEND OFF THE ANXIETY/DEPRESSION?!?…Why is it STILL HOUNDING ME?!?…..I mean, there are occasional moments where I feel good about trying…but they are still few and far between…so what the HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO about still feeling down and worried?!?…I keep saying it over and over in my head…"If you keep trying Todd, if you keep making efforts to stay busy and to do whatever you can to try to improve your life, you will fight off the depression–because depression/anxiety attacks don't like it when you try–and ultimately, you WILL defeat it"…But…it doesn't seem to be sinking in…What should I do?….Should I go back to staying in bed all day and not try at all?…I mean, what's the difference if the depression and anxiety won't go the HELL away no matter what I do?!?….This is frustrating, and a little scary…Sorry about the rather lame-sounding title to this blog, and for what I would consider fairly shoddy writing of the blog here on my part….


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