The weekend, supposedly everyone’s favorite days of the week. I actually am not always a weekend person. I need distraction and structure throughout my daily life that way dear ol’ depression doesn’t creep in. The weekend has no structure. I’ve tried making schedules, but anyone with depression knows that getting yourself to do something is excruciatingly hard and long to do. Before I get into more of my introduction, I am going to recap my weekend to anyone (so far only one friend, yay! 😀 ) who is maybe curious.
Saturday morning me and my mom went to the gym, intending to go to a yoga class at 8 am, however it was cancelled. So me and my mom just decided to get working out; I did a lot of strengthening in the arms/back area (my weak spots) and balance work. That day, I played on my computer playing my favorite game Sims 4, I did some studies of my chemistry class, napped, then me and my mom headed to the town where I’ll be doing my driving test to practice. After the hour and a half of driving practice, we went into another town where a mall is. I got a PSAT testing preparation book (it’s a test for a Merit Scholarship for college), and then I got some pumpkin spiced perfume, because you know, Fall is coming! Today I’ve just been studying for 2 exams tomorrow in chemistry and accelerated English. This is probably becoming boring to read so I’ll just get on with my introduction into my mental illnesses.
Growing up, I was quite an inquisitive, sensitive kid. I always asked “why…?” I also was very stubborn if I had a belief on something and someone tried to change that. Maybe that’s what’s lead me to be a hardcore feminist today 🙂 Anyways, I was really close to my mom, very clingy at holiday events and in general. My dad on the other hand, I don’t really remember at all being there. I remember he’d “watch” me if my mom was gone by him sleeping and me playing alone in my room. He’d go on work trips and my mom would mention that he’d be coming home in a day, me and my brother would ask “He was gone?” The only sport that stuck with me through school was dance, something just clicked in that first dance class at Just for Kix (dance becomes important later in my story). So anyways, by 2nd grade I actually made a couple of friends, there anonymous names will be Hailey, Penelope and Maggie. Maggie and Hailey are my best friends now still to this day.
In 3rd grade, Penelope was new to the school and she became my best friend. She did soccer, she was kinda opposite me; “opposites attract” they say. She knew about my parents’ oncoming divorce by 4th grade before even I knew. I remember I wasn’t devastated by the news of the divorce, but the effects after it. That’s when I really got to know my dad, and I don’t mean it in an exactly positive way. He always slept in his free time. The times he was awake when me and my brother spent the weekend with him, he was normal, I always empathized with him through the divorce, I had most of his personality and looks, I got his humor, I could be there for him. Fast forward to my 8th grade year, the day before school started, he got married to his girlfriend Betty. I thought Betty was good for him at first, Christian, caring, sweet, polite. After we moved in with her for the every-other weekend me and my brother would stay over, that’s when things started changing. My dad became manipulative and controlling to me and my brother. I became afraid of him, as did my little brother. He’d call me snotty for defending myself, I got told I was selfish and to not boast about anything. I shook every time he called for me. I got angry as well. He threatened my brother with comments like “beat your ass,” etc, etc. Over those couple of months I started growing more anxious and more fearful.
I did dance team from 7th grade to 9th. I joined ballet at a school in the summer before 9th grade. Now I do ballet school full time. My dad would not pay a single penny on my dance, school supplies, etc. This is random but dance is important in my life and in a couple of min in this story. Every summer I’d babysit my two little cousins, and I noticed my 3rd year babysitting them that I just didn’t feel like going outside. I was always inside while my cousins went to play with their friends across the street. I slept a lot, that’s all I felt like doing. Those were the first signs. When 10th grade started, it was off pretty well for the first half of the year. I did have some off days though. In January is when my anxiety attacks and depressive episodes started happening. I just felt an overwhelming sensation of sadness in the nights. I’d cry a lot, I’d scratch at myself and rock back and forth. My boyfriend would have to talk to me on the phone to calm me down because his voice is soothing to me.
I didn’t get why I was feeling like I was. I felt guilty, like a burden, I felt super anxious at school and tired and numb. At 3 am, I’d call a suicide hotline because I just felt like getting out of my skin because I felt trapped. Around March that’s when I told my mom everything. I see the same therapist today that I did back then. Her name is Jane. She’s a great therapist. Within 3 weeks of meeting with her once a week, I cut myself for the first time. It’s a way to express my self punishment that I think I deserve. 2 weeks after, I got put into inpatient treatment for 6 weeks. I didn’t go to school, I only came the last month of school. That treatment did help. The main motive for me to get better was so I could go into the Kansas City Ballet School that I got accepted into earlier in the new year. I did go, and I loved it. I loved how busy I was, that I was dancing every day. Dancing is what has saved me once again. It saved me to get better from EDNOS. I can’t dance with a bad body system from not eating, I can’t dance if I cut myself and am unsafe around myself. After getting back, I was quite in a slump. I was still stuck in my mind, I had no dance 8 hours a day.
That leads to now. My last cut was 2 weeks ago. I was months clean, but then I cut. The major emotions that lead to me cutting is guilt, feeling selfish, like a burden, or feeling trapped. I’ve been doing good though, keeping a daily log and setting little goals. That was a long story, so I think I’ll end it in a minute. This says 9/17, and this is being posted 9/18 because of how long this was. This doesn’t completely cover my whole story, but if I make more friends or my current friend right now will learn throughout blogs more about me 🙂
Hope you’re coping 🙂