Just a post to say I\'m sad.  My friend… boyfriend… has been gone almost 3 weeks now. 

He was supposed to be here in Minnesota tonight.  We were to have just about two days together before he headed back to Austin. 

I had plans for our time together… and now I\'m at a loss.  I feel so horrible.  Everything sets me off… and no amount of pretending helps.  I wish he wasn\'t dead. 

Whats worse is that I realized today that I\'ve been so scared of our relationship… that to some extent I wonder if I\'m relieved about not facing the next steps… and then I feel completely guilty for that too.  I don\'t know what would\'ve happened with our relationship… but he was my friend… and I miss him terribly, and I feel horrible about everything… I feel badly that although I got his cats to Minnesota and they are safe… they are at my younger sisters place… and I\'m so confused about if I can truly take care of them.  I\'m confused about them because seeing them makes me so sad.  I\'m glad they are here, but they are a reminder that he is completely gone…

I wish things had been different.  I wish I could put all of this into words for my family… and I wish I had been better to him in the time we had.  All I keep thinking about is how he compared himself to the other guys I had let into my life… how he was always trying to be better than the \'jerks\' I had been previously involved with.  How he would be the best guy for me… and how he wouldn\'t treat me badly.  And now he\'s gone.  And I\'m sad… and I wonder what the hell is the matter with me.  I turn selfish and wonder why the guys I choose treat me badly… leave me… or in this case… die.

Just… stupid and sad.  My friend is gone and I\'m stupid about everything.  I hate this.