Just a post to say I\'m sad. My friend… boyfriend… has been gone almost 3 weeks now.
He was supposed to be here in Minnesota tonight. We were to have just about two days together before he headed back to Austin.
I had plans for our time together… and now I\'m at a loss. I feel so horrible. Everything sets me off… and no amount of pretending helps. I wish he wasn\'t dead.
Whats worse is that I realized today that I\'ve been so scared of our relationship… that to some extent I wonder if I\'m relieved about not facing the next steps… and then I feel completely guilty for that too. I don\'t know what would\'ve happened with our relationship… but he was my friend… and I miss him terribly, and I feel horrible about everything… I feel badly that although I got his cats to Minnesota and they are safe… they are at my younger sisters place… and I\'m so confused about if I can truly take care of them. I\'m confused about them because seeing them makes me so sad. I\'m glad they are here, but they are a reminder that he is completely gone…
I wish things had been different. I wish I could put all of this into words for my family… and I wish I had been better to him in the time we had. All I keep thinking about is how he compared himself to the other guys I had let into my life… how he was always trying to be better than the \'jerks\' I had been previously involved with. How he would be the best guy for me… and how he wouldn\'t treat me badly. And now he\'s gone. And I\'m sad… and I wonder what the hell is the matter with me. I turn selfish and wonder why the guys I choose treat me badly… leave me… or in this case… die.
Just… stupid and sad. My friend is gone and I\'m stupid about everything. I hate this.