I feel whiny but I also feel very alone and not needed. God, I sound like such a needy old bitch. I have been trying to find a man to hang out with, but it has been a little rough going and I have had some bumps. Sometimes I just wish I could find someone who likes being with me, likes talking to me and maybe even loves me for who I am.

I've also had another kind of loss lately. I had a really good friend for the past 10 years – we talked to each other several times a week, sometimes every day, got together usually once or twice a month, and had some really great vacations together. Well, my depression became severe last winter after a 10 year remission, and then my friend suffered a miscarriage. She really did not want to talk about it and I respected that. But I think I overloaded her with my whining about loneliness, failed relationships with men and lack of motivation at my job. And for the last month, she rarely calls me back and we don't get together anymore. I feel very rejected. I know it may not have a lot to do with me, but it feels like it does.Plus, I had fallen in love with a man and gone on a wonderfulvacation withhim this past summer. Then, I found out that he was living with another woman.And I justfeel like a serious fuck up at work. I mean, I have a great job – I mean, hell, I have A JOB. Yes, there have been a lot of changes and shake ups at work, but I'm still there. Yet, I have a very difficult time getting motivated to do anything innovative and question whether Iaccomplish anything of any worth. I know that my perspective and how I choose to see things is everything, but it has been a serious struggle to be more positive. I have my health, a job, family that loves me, but I still feel very alone and purposeless.

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