I don’t really expect anyone to read this or see this but I kinda just want to talk about a lot of stuff and get my feelings out I guess. lol.
So I’m a freshman in highschool. As long as I can remember I’ve struggled with anxiety, and depression creeping up on me beginning in 5-6th grade. Middle school was also when I realized I’m a trans male. I’ve been shy and introverted my entire life but instead of me gradually coming out of my shell it seems as if I’ve just been getting worse. I’m so concerned with my image at school and what people think of me that it’s EXHAUSTING, and I’m convinced that everyone, even friends and family, hate me. Every time I do anything out of the ordinary for me, EX. talking to someone new, being outgoing in the Slightest, etc., I REGRET IT. I’ll think about it and think about it and then I have unbearable, crushing feeling that every single thing I’ve ever done/will ever do in my life is TERRIBLY STUPID and the reason everyone hates me, and i should just kill myself.
I’ve been in the school band since 6th grade, and now I’m in the highschool marching band. I like to think I might be warming up to band and the people in it, but it’s still very scary and new to me, especially with all the upperclassmen. One thing that does help is my brother, who is a senior this year and has also been in band since middle school, so he’s there for me and knows how everything works. I can always go to him if I need it. Once at Monday night marching practice I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and he spent the entire drive home talking to me and calming me down. One thing that has really set back my band experience, though, is that my best friend, Karter, was forced to quit band because of her dad, for unknown reasons. Her dad really sucks and is abusive. I hate him. With Karter gone, I have virtually no friends in band, so I’m lonely and by myself 90% of the time. I mean, there are people that I talk to sometimes, I have acquaintances but no one that I’m as close to as Karter. It’s not like I never see Karter, like at school and stuff, but when you’re in band its a HUGE part of your life and it really sucks to not have any good friends in it.
It’s getting close to midnight now so I should probably sleep. Jeez.