i took two benadryl in order to fall asleep last night.  so now i'm still groggy.  but at least i got sleep. i really really needed it.  i still had bad dreams, but they weren't quite as bad as my normal nightmares.  it'll still give me plenty to talk to my therapist about.  i dunno, i've just been really frustrated lately.  i'm sorry for writing depressing blogs, but i just want to be honest and say how i'm feeling.

and this really isn't bad considering how bad i used to get.  but a day doesn't go by that i don't think about killing myself.  but i don't.  one night a few months ago i came home crying and told my cat "you better be happy i came home for you", and like always she attacked me with purrs and a demand to be pet.  honestly, no one else will take care of her, so i better stay around.  i'm not worried about actually killing myself, i know i won't, i'm just tired of feeling this way.  

i'm sure it'll get better.  i'm probably going through a rough spell because of the disagreement with my father.  i'll probably get better in a few days.  in the mean time, i'm trying, i'm trying.  i'm studying, cleaning, exercising, whatever i can do to kill time and try to make my life a little bit better.  i've never been so productive during a depressive episode.  i guess i should be proud of myself.

thanks to everyone who keeps telling me they care about me.  i'm sorry it doesn't really infiltrate my mood at the moment, but i'm i'm sure i'll be really grateful later!  ha ha.  i'm so weird.  i complain about being lonely, but when someone says "i care" or does something nice for me, i don't feel anything.  i guess the problem is me.  i'll get out of this soon, i hope.  until then, textbooks and cleaning.