i'm buzzing.  totally buzzing.  because you're out there – someone else like me, not identical, but similar enough to just get it.  and i've said that so many times, i know, but what i haven't yet said is: i think it's changing me.  i think suddenly i feel like i have permission to indulge in my own madness.  it's the strangest feeling, like…the 'me' i always loved best and longed to resurrect, is now doing just that – she's back.  like 'vrinda 2: the revenge' except i'm not avenging anything, i'm just…enjoying being myself.  i don't know if i could do that before, so easily, because i just grew so used to getting 'the look' from everyone, that clear indication that i really wasn't making sense to people.  but here i am, suddenly making sense to someone.  and i think what strikes me most is how it happens in the people you least expect, sometimes.  you get all this stupid ideas that maybe you'll have lots to talk about with someone you superficially share a lot in common with, but then you reach out to those people with similar interests and find that's all you can talk about.  after you've covered the initial 'oh yeah?  whats your favourite song by them?  mine is blah blah' nonsense, really, what's left?  but then you come across the people who, on the surface, you 'shouldn't' get along with, and snap! like magic, it's just instant.  suddenly, you feel like your whole world, your whole life has instantly changed forever.  my life has changed forever.  even if, by some terrible unforeseeable circumstance, i never spoke to you again, the change would still have occurred.  and then, to think it's all in our own hands, that it's not all fate, but we actually work to make things happen the way we want, that it's up to us to make these choices…it means it doesn't have to end.  and that's a pretty unbelievable thing.  to see the point where everything changes…to bear witness to the revelations…to feel the future in the present.  and could i have predicted it?  never.  could i have guessed who would be standing by my side today?  never.  [br][br]

'I never dreamt that I would get to be[br][br]

The creature that I always meant to be'[br][br]

–'Being Boring' / Pet Shop Boys [br][br]

and part of me feels so excited about it, i want to tell everyone 'hey guess what!  i'm not alone!!!' but then another part wants to keep it a secret, something special to keep all to myself, something no one would ever guess – part of me thinks not everyone would get it.  like my book, being told by some ignorant commenter 'why would these people be friends?  they're nothing like each other' because they can't read below the surface and see actually they're EXACTLY like each other.  i feel like this is how it's always been, too.  all my best friends throughout life have always been the ones others couldn't predict.  because i keep so much secret, even people who think they know me best, family, don't even know the half of it.  [br][br]

and suddenly, i feel eager to share it, to shock and amaze them all, to say 'i'm crazy!!!  but it's okay!!!  i'm happy about it!!!  it can be fun, sometimes!'  and really…it wasn't fun before, because i always felt so damn guilty about it, like i shouldn't enjoy any of it, right, because that'd just be so wrong of me!!  surely i want to get better and be 'normal' – well yeah, sometimes, but no, not always.  not when i talk to someone else and discover, for the first time ever, my MIRROR, and realise…i LIKE it!!  would i change you?  no way.  why would i change me, then? [br][br] 

no, i'm not going to feel ashamed of all this.  'i'm glad we laugh' – humour.  that's what's missing in so many people.  they just can't laugh about it.  and why not?  i mean…there is just glaring hilarity in it all! [br][br]

i think i'm getting addicted though.  addicted to this insanity indulgence.  like no, you can't go, you can't have other things to do, i can't have a life, no no no, i'd rather just keep feeling happily nuts, just keep laughing.  'don't fight it, if you like it.'  the sheer brilliance of the situation, though, is that i'm sure you get it.[br][br]

why the hell are 98% of my friends so far away…. 


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