So… things suck.  Big surprise.  I just can't get out of this current funk.

Work sucks… the girls there aren't very nice to me… and I swear they screw me over at every turn.  It's not right.  And I'm afraid I'm going to have to start looking for another job.  It sucks.

And the main course of my suckiness today…  I emailed my siblings last night…  I've been trying to set things up for birthday dinners… So I email them a few weeks before the birthdays and I try to get them to pick a date.  I took up the slack for my mom because it frustrated the hell out of her.  And I truly understood why before, but I thought I was being a good person by taking on the frustrations and making things smoother for everyone.  Well… they're all assholes.  My siblings are complete pain in the asses.

There are only certain days we can do dinners anyways… and there's really only one person who has a second part time job that fucks things up.  This is the same person, my sister in law, who tries to fuck things up anyways.  She finds reasons to be late, or puts hurdles in the way because she just doesn't like our family as much as her own.  Thursday night I had put a night out there… it was the final word on the date and I said if they had suggestions for food they should say them.  Well… of course my sister in law goes back on what she initially said and makes a big deal over the night, and then asks if her mom can come.  It really pissed me off.

But of course, I sat back and waited for someone else to say something first.  No one does, and the next thing I know I'm receiving a phone call from my older sister.  She calls mom before talking to me and makes a big deal about how my sister in law was being… and then proceeds to tell me that she told mom that Jennifer pissed me off about the birthday thing and by the end of her phone call with mom… mom was almost crying.

Someone tell me why any of these people think this is ok?

Ali calls me a half hour after she left mom crying on the other end of the phone, which by the way, mom knows my sister in law pisses me off without being clued into the details like this.  She calls me to tell me that I get to handle it when I get home.  Of course, I call mom right away to make amends for something I didn't even do, and tell her I will meet her at Target to do the 10% day.  I didn't want to do shit after work.  I was tired and had about enough of everyone at work, and my family.  All I wanted to do was go home, take a shower, and do nothing. 

I show up at Target and 20 minutes or so pass… I walk around the store twice… and then I get a phone call about how my older sister has mom at a store across the big parking lot.  She couldn't even think to call me when I got off of work to let me know she picked mom up.  It's so very frustrating.  to have a long day and then to have my siblings think of themselves first.  That's how it always is.

So last night I talked with mom at the store after I finally found her, another 20 minutes after we were originally supposed to meet… and I'm almost crying as we walk around Target.  Work sucked, and then the whole email situation sucked.  And by the time we got to someplace to eat I just kept talking.  It's felt like months since I got to really vent and talk.  And I felt bad telling her all of it, but then again I didn't feel bad at all.  It felt good to know she understood where I was coming from… especially with work, and then even more so with my siblings.

I got home and emailed all of my siblings a long 'You all suck' email.  I tried very hard not to swear, but still threw a few cuss words in there for good measure.  They all joke about how that's just me… but when they read them, aparently they took those as 'Fuck you's' instead of what they were written as… frustration at them and the situations they cause.

So mom hears from my older and younger sisters about an hour or so after the email is sent.  And my older sister hears from my older brother about the email being sent to his work email addy… which is a lutheran based group.  But if the lutherans read what I said about families getting together without the bullshit they were throwing in there, then they might see my side before feeling bad for my brother.  Plus as I told mom, he's sent out the same bull emails with cussing from that email before.

It's all excuses from them.  And the thing is… is that when it's their time it somehow matters more than mine, or mom's or dads.  It's special then.  But when it gets turned into Sari or Mom or Dad are asking for something, they throw up barriers and reasons and excuses why they can't or really, don't want to.

I'm left out of so many things.  I practically beg to do things… go to Dave and Busters, go mini golfing, go bowling, movies, shopping, concerts… and it's always a No… or that's Lame, or maybe…. it never happens unless they bring it up.  And when I told this to my younger sister today… who confronted me in the front yard, she made a point of bringing up the fact that I went to a movie today without remembering her and her boyfriend wanted to see it too.  FUCK.  Goddamn it.  How many movies have they gone to without me?  How many times have they not invited me, or told me after the fact they just didn't think I would want to go?

It's not like I've made a pattern of saying No to everything they want to do.  I go when I'm invited and I have the money.  Fuck, I even used to pay for their tickets or dinner just so they would go with me in the first fucking place. 

It's not right or fair. 

And when I told her she would treat me the same way… that the only reason we see as much of one another right now is because we live under the same roof… she told me she would make time to come see me and hang out once she moves out.  I told her the point is… is that it would be on her watch and time not mine.  It would be when SHE wants to see me… not the other way around.  Of course, she tells me that I should set up things when I want to do them.  What a bitch.  I try that.  I try to get things set up and they get blown out of the water.  Nothing happens because they have something else come up or they don't want to.

I'm so pissed off at all of them. 

My older sister goes on and on to my mom about how she has been hemming my pants and doing me a favor and how could I tell her 'Fuck you' through email?  and how can I be so mean to all of them…?  Well, if they would pay attention and look beyond themselves they might freaking see that they hurt me and leave me out all the time.  I take the short end of the stick in so many instances… I graciously accept it and make the best of it only to have them say that I somehow owe them.  It's so not right.

I'm sorry I vented this.  I just can't take it anymore.

I have to deal with the siblings at a breakfast tomorrow morning for my dad… we're celebrating his birthday.  It's just a mess, and I'm trying to vent everything today… I'm trying to get the hell out of the house and away from everyone so I can think straight, and what happens when I finally come home this afternoon to mow the lawn?  My stupid younger sister's boyfriend didn't move his car so I could park mine, my younger sister doesn't get off her ass when I ask if he can move his car so I can get to the tractor… and when I finally finish the backyard and get to the front…?  She still didn't start the stupid hedge so I could go over the clippings as I did the front. 

She just comes out front to confront me.  I'm not good with confrontation.  I would rather they all just leave me the fuck alone so I can get my thoughts straight… but nope… she won't leave me be. 

I just don't get why people can't think beyond themselves.  Why she didn't think about me.  Why they don't think that I'm alone and coping the best I can.  That on a frequent basis I'm not asking for things from them… that I'm trying to make things easier on them even if it means making them harder on myself.  It fucking sucks.

I'm just so tired of everything.  It's not right.  And you know…?  The thing is, is that I went to a store on the way home, and picked up a 6 dollar bag of truffles as a sort of apology for tomorrow morning.  Something I could place on each of their place settings so we could make it through the morning meal without so much awkwardness.  I have nothing to apologise for.  I know I blew up at them, but to me, I shouldn't have to yell and scream everytime someone does something stupid.  I let things go… I try to make them better… but when I do say something… when I finally tell them they're all fucking ridiculous… they should freaking listen.  And to some extent… they are.  They're all worried… about themselves mind you.  But at least they're thinking I guess.

Sorry… thanks for the vent.