I need to exercise, but I can't because of the cyst on my back. Still recovering from surgery and I've been in this room for 4 days now. I've been to the doctors and the drug store. I can't go hiking for a month. I keep eating out of boredem. I don't want to do anything when I know I can't go out. Okay, the doctor said I could shower today and I removed the bandage which was put on loosely. I put something over it, but it seems to be leaking. My mom pointed a wet spot out on my pants. So its not like I can even go for a short walk.

I've got books I can read, stories I can write, tv series I can watch but it will depress me for reasons that are hard to understand to anyone that isn't me. I'm frustrated. What am I to do with myself. Won't be going back to work til monday. Which gives me something else to worry about money, none of which I have.

I don't know what to do with myself for today and tonight. I don't want to read or watch movies or write because all those things all really work when I'm feeling somewhat good about myself and write now I feel like a fat slob who can't do anything. I'm very uncomfortable.

I could probably go to the drugstore and get some kind of bandages so keep the leakage in. The wound is open because thats how he wants it to heal. Then I'd feel more comfortable going for a short walk.

I feel totally useless like this. The longer I'm in my room, the more I get depressed because I know I'll end up eating more when I don't need to because it takes my mind of things for that little while.

And the reason, I said I need to feel better about myself to to read/write/watch tv or whatever is because I know it's a substitute for not actually getting up and living your life and it makes me feel inadequate. i don't want to live through others in order to feel like I'm living, because it just makes me feel worse.

Okay, I know I'm being extremely hard on myself. I recognize that fact. I'm trying to better my situation right now and fix my frame of mind. That's what I need hiking for and long walks.

I'm trying to think of a way out of this because when I stay in this frame of mind, I get dragged down into depression mode and I'm fight hard to keep that from happening.  I have to do something that keeps my mind active and not like I'm putting it on hold for something.