So I came to today and realized I’ve been wasting the last two weeks. This has been my schedule.
Sleep until 11 or so. Go find something to eat at around noon. Then go back to my cave and go to sleep again. Maybe mindlessly scroll on my phone. Go the rest of the day without eating. Then eat ungodly amounts of food at night. Stay up till 3-5 doing random stuff. On my phone. Reading. Listening to music.
It makes me feel really anxious, sick to my stomach. I want to get up so badly and DO things. I do have responsibilities to be taking care of but I’m just not and it makes me feel so guilty. This morning I finally got up and showered, it had been like a week. Having bad hygiene is so embarrassing but when I get like this everything goes to hell. I don’t eat right or shower or change or brush my hair or my teeth or even drink water like I should.
I wake up and my entire body ACHES. My freaking organs hurt! Your body isn’t meant to take stuff like this. It’s not supposed to be pushed aside like this but it feels like I get trapped inside of myself and can’t get out and help myself. I just lay somewhere. That’s the only thing I have the strength for, to lay down and wait to die. Or wait for whatever this paralysis is to end.
But I’m writing this in hopes that putting it down somewhere physical will snap me out of it.
I need to clean my room. Get all the trash out of here. I need to wash my clothes and my sheets. I need to drink water. I NEED to get some work done. And I NEED to speak to someone. Anyone. I just need to speak to another human and hear their voice and remember that I’m not the only person alive.
I feel nauseated by doing nothing. I hate scrolling on my phone for hours and napping and napping and somehow I can’t force my body to move. Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore.
In my head I see things. Things I create. I imagine them over and over and it makes me happy but none of those things are real. But its the only way I know how to cope at the moment, the only defense I have against reality. But that’s so bad because I do live in reality and there’s consequences for living in your own mind.
My lungs and kidneys ache from laying down.
I can do this. I can do this and get up and open my eyes and BREATHE. I have to be OK I have to get up I can do this I just need to get up. I wish I could separate my mind and body. My mind is so alive and my body is so dead. Or maybe its the other way around. All I know is one of these is sick and the other isn’t. And if I could just set the sick one down and let it rest and use the other one to get stuff done and help the other heal I could actually get somewhere.
I like to imagine that too. But that’s just in my head again. I’m still just laying down. And when this is over I’m going to shut down again. I’m going to fall asleep. I don’t have the energy to cry. It’s days like these, weeks like these, I wish I wasn’t alive.